The Road to Worry

Lately anxiety has stalked me and has threatened to overwhelm my sense of peace about life and that God is in control.
I honestly feel on the verge of panic attacks at least once a day.
It all started during a basketball game during Jimmy V week. The announcer, I think, said something like 1 out of 2 people get Cancer.
WHAT A STATISTIC!
SCARY!
Then my thoughts travel down that dark scary path:
What if Jake or I die of cancer? Or Both? Emma may not have both her parents growing up!
What if SHE gets cancer and I lose my baby girl?
My heart begins to race.
My lungs get tight, and I start to have a little trouble breathing.
I start to tremble.

To be honest, I try not to let myself go down this road, because it quickly leads to fear and anxiety.
Worry.
And ultimately not trusting in God.
When we love we become vulnerable, because those we love will get hurt. Emma will have hurtful experiences in school. She may be bullied. Someone will say something mean.
Hurt is inevitable in life.
Bad things happen, they do.
How we handle the bad things is what makes the difference. When I begin walking down that scary road, God gently reminds me of my most favorite phrase in the Bible: I AM.
He is. He is in control. Few things are in my control, one of those being my reaction to my fears and worries.
I stop myself. Take a deep breath, and turn to God.
He is my Rock, He is my salvation. He is my deliverer, my comforter...I could go on.
BUT
He is not just that for ME.
He is Emma's Rock, Emma's comforter, and Emma's ...
He is Jake's ...
He loves us, He wants the best for us. The level of love I feel for my husband and daughter, and the rest of the people I love so much is just a small fraction of the amount of love that He has for us.
So, as you begin to walk down that road, and let worry overtake you. Remember that He is "I AM", everything you need.
Remember Matthew 6:25-34 where Jesus exhorts us not to worry, because He is in control, and He will take care of us. It may not look like we think it should or want it to.
But He will.

When Your Kids Are Sick...And It's Time To Rejoice

I'm about to write something that few people know about: When I was pregnant and had my 26(ish) week ultrasound to find out if Emma was a boy or girl, they found that her kidneys had cysts on them.

 Imagine the heartbreak, fear, disillusionment, fear

....did I mention fear?

 Because that was what it was. Outright fear for this little baby who I did not know...yet I did.

OH! And anger...oh the anger.

There have been very few times where I have felt that I was truly going to battle for something, and this was one of those times.

Momma (prayer) warrior.

Standing on God's word and His promises.

Jehova Rophi (The God Who Heals).

SIDE NOTE: When something is physically wrong DO NOT TURN TO GOOGLE FOR ANSWERS! I was convinced that Emma was going to die within days of her being born.

We had to go to prenatal specialists in Ft. Collins. I think we went to three different ones all together. They were stumped. The last one said, "Well, we see that it looks like a cyst, but we can't find anything wrong. She looks fine...honestly we are stumped!"

Oh my Jesus, how good He is!

They sent us home, and told the doctor to run labs on Emma when she was born to make sure her kidney were working, and also do an ultrasound.

At 34 weeks or so I began having trouble with my amniotic fluid. It would get dangerously low, so I ended up having to take 2 hour baths to get it back up (don't ask me how it worked, it just did). At 37 weeks I still could not keep the fluid up, so my doctor gave me the choice: induce or wait.

I asked the doctor what the risk would be in each scenario:

We wait and she could be stillborn (!?!?!)
We induce and she could be in the NICU on a ventilator (!?!?!)

Yep...fear and anger strike again! I used to work for some lung doctor's in the area and immediately called them. They could advise me on this. They assured me that the NICU here was amazing, and that there was no reason she would be on a ventilator.

So, I told the doctor we'd like to induce on Wednesday. That gave me time to get her a  carseat, and get the house clean (I KNOW, I know LOL) Before we had to go to the hospital. We went in Tuesday morning! GAHH!

Fast forward to two nights after she was born, I woke up at around 3AM, and Emma hadn't been in to nurse yet. The nurse came in right at that time to let me know that Emma was in the NICU.

Yep...you guessed it: Fear and Anger....seriously...I'm exhausted just thinking about it LOL

Her bilirubin was high, and so  she got to camp out under a blue light. The girl looked like she was on a beach somewhere. All she was missing was a beach umbrella.

The thing that these incidences have in common is the fear and anger I felt. However, the brightest thing these have in common is that after the initial fear and anger is that I trusted in God.

None of these things took Him by surprise. God is the great I Am, my Provider, my Comforter, My Healer...My EVERYTHING. By now, stepping back and trusting Him has become routine, and comfortable...
After the initial freak out.

So today, we started Emma on asthma medicine to see if that is what is causing her coughing so much she is throwing up. Since we started it she has been  back to her sweet little self. Not whiney, mopey, or lethargic. All things I attributed to her teething.

She is happy, energetic...she is her normal self.

This means she may have asthma.

Where is the anger? The fear?

None for me. God is my Rock.

My Great I AM.

My trust is in Him. Emma is in His hands, and my rest and trust is in Him.

This is something I rejoice in.

HE is WHO I rejoice in...because He is in control. He loves Emma more than I do (which is crazy, but true). Who better to trust in than He who does?

My God is Great. My God is good, My God is Always there for me!

Being a Good Steward

I profess to be all about being a good steward. I feel that I should be a good steward to the animals we eat (chicken, beef, etc), so I go out of my way to get free range, hormone free, etc. etc. etc. eggs and such.
I believe that being a good parent is being a good steward of the gift of children that God has blessed us with.
I believe in being a good steward of my money.
I believe that making the most of the education I am blessed with being able to get is being a good steward of that blessing.
In short, being a good steward to what God has given us has a LOT to do with self-discipline. It also has a lot to do with our HEARTS.

I am not talking about works, and doing stuff to earn our way into heaven. That doesn't happen. There is no amount of anything we can do to pay God back for this free gift of salvation.

I am talking about doing things because it is right. I am horrible in the self-discipline area, however I have been working on it this past week. The pastor preached on good time stewardship last week, and it was something God was already dealing with me about. So, I put some things into action this week and have found more time on my hands than I really know what to do with!

IT.IS.AWESOME!

Back to the heart issue though, because truly, being a good steward of these things has to come out of the love of our hearts. As we draw closer to God, we become more godly. Do we stop sinning? Not necessarily, we will never be perfect. BUT, God transforms our hearts, and out of that we have a greater desire to please Him, and to serve Him. Not out of duty, but out of LOVE.

Here is an example: At one point in my life I hated to clean. Such a pain to clean up after myself (I know...how lazy, right?). However, God saw fit to bring a neat freak into my life, who I have fallen madly in love with, and married 7 years ago.  When we married, we immediately moved to Italy where he was stationed. I stayed home all day, and with nothing to do I cleaned our apartment every single day.
UH-OH! I realized later that I set a precedent I was not sure I was willing to keep up (HA!)...at first I did it because I was bored. Then when we moved back to the States, I did it because I felt like I had to.
Now though...now I do it because I love my husband very much. I am home all day, and I want him to come home and be able to relax. I know that if I leave a mess he will feel obligated to clean it. I think of it as serving (in a good way, not in Leave it to Beaver, slave kind of way). I want to be a blessing to my husband, because I love him so much. Keeping my house clean is one way for me to do that.
As my love for my husband grew, my desire to please him and bless him grew too.
As we draw near to God, as we begin to see and experience His love, mercy, grace, etc. our desire to please Him grows, our hearts are transformed and softened, and we do things that are right because we love Him, and desire to please Him.
I have a long way to go. I am not perfect. Yesterday I threw the whole "good steward of my time" thing OUT the window, because it was a rough day. But, I am back on the wagon today and I am trusting God to give me the grace to stop being lazy and "Just do it"!

Love and Rejection

I am angry. I shouldn't be, but so I am. I know that people come and go in our lives. I try very hard to be a good friend, and seek out those I call my friends. What makes me angry is when there is no reciprocation. No phone calls back, or even a facebook message that takes hardly any time to write. I think it is because I invest so much in those people I call friends, and when they do not make any effort, or just completely stop one day it hurts and confuses me. I understand that sometimes friendships run their course, but at least let me know what happened! Gahh!
So, as I was wallowing in my hurt and anger today, I decided that I was just not going to care anymore. I was no longer going to invest so much into my relationships with others. Unfortunately, this does not work for me and I know it.
I have also tried it. For years I kept people at arms length, not allowing myself to care, because let's be honest folks! It hurts! No one wants to make themselves vulnerable to the pain of rejection. Then, one semester at F.I.R.E. (a Bible school I went to), I began exegeting (sp?) a paper on 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. Yep! The "love" passage. It was during that time that God dramatically changed my life. He has called me to love. To love selflessly, and vulnerably.
Fun, huh?
Not so much. I whined and told God I did not want to. I did not want to hurt. Funny, but at this same time I was going through one of the most emotionally painful times of my life. I mean, I hurt so much emotionally/mentally that I could physically feel it. I would curl up in a ball in my bedroom and beg God to let me die. I had no desire whatsoever to live if life was going to be so painful.

But guess what? He revealed Himself to me in a way I had never known Him. He comforted me, and loved me. He carried me through this time of my life, and proved Himself to me. He would never leave me. No matter what comes, He will always be there, He will always be my strength, my comfort.

He is "I Am"...because He is EVERYTHING I will ever need.

Knowing this changes things. I still hurt and get angry when a relationship I have so lovingly tended to seemingly ends. I don't get it....maybe I was too honest in what I said? I still replay our last conversation over and over in my head, and can only come to the conclusion that this person did not like my honesty. Maybe I was wrong in the conversation. I don't think so...but maybe.

However, God is there to comfort me. I do not have to understand, though I want to. I just have to let God heal that hurt and move on.
My struggle though, is that things like this make me want to fall into my old ways. I have reached out to people in the past year, and only just recently am I making friends who seem to WANT to be friends, rather than trying and trying to connect with people.
I put myself out there because God has called me to do so. He has called me to love others unconditionally, to show them His love. But I do get weary of the rejection, I get weary of leaving message upon message to people only to get a response several weeks or months later.
The question is: Do I give up? Or do I keep trying to keep in touch? These are relationships I valued, and still want to cultivate. But when is it because that person is just bad at keeping in touch, and when is it time to move on?
I look to the Old Testament, and the Israelites relationship with God. They would cry out to Him, and when things got good they forgot about Him. When things got bad again they cried out to Him. God loved them through it all. He got angry, but He still loved them. He still sought them, and spoke to them. I believe He does that to this day, only with all of us, not just the Jewish people.

He has not moved on....

Thankfulness and Social Media

Yep, it's that time of year again! Halloween is over, it's getting colder outside. Thanksgiving dinners are being planned, and Christmas is starting to get planned too. I love it! I absolutely LOVE this time of year! This year is even more special with an event I started on Facebook called, "Thankful in November". Here is the link:
https://www.facebook.com/events/452258581492888/455960794456000/?notif_t=plan_mall_activity

Over 1300 people have been invited and almost 200 people are participating. They are posting what they are thankful for on their walls, and on the wall of this event.

 IT.IS.AWESOME!

Truly, it's amazing to see so many posts that emphasize positive things. I have been very weary of all the negative political posts this year, more so than any other year. The election is not even over, but all I see is "thankful" posts now.

Social Media can be so wearying, especially if you are a stay at home mom who is on WAY too much! It seems that people have no qualms about reprimanding others, offending others, etc. They say things and post things they would never do in "real" life.
SO! Join us at Facebook if you have an account, and be thankful this month! God has blessed us so much, and sometimes it is good to look past the hard things and find the blessings and thank Him for it! Hope to see you there!

Beauty in the Storm

My husband was watching a movie called, "The Edge" ( I think), the other day and it was about these three men whose plane crashed in the mountains somewhere. Alaska, I think. I was struck by the fact that these men were surrounded by an intense beauty, and they did not even notice it. Granted, they were fighting to stay alive so they were a little distracted, however the magnificence of their surroundings was just so obvious that it struck me how easy it is to miss the beauty in the midst of hardship.
I remember sitting on my porch in southern Missouri, watching a storm blew in. I am talking a good thunderstorm with a chance of tornadoes. First it starts with the wind, gusty and surprising, especially when you look up and realize the sun is no longer shining. Then off in the distance you can see the lightning strike, and the thunder begins to rumble. Next, the world turns green. Like, it is literally like looking through green tinted glasses. These are my favorite storms, and the times when I felt the most at peace. Here in Colorado, we do not get this type of storm very often, where in Missouri they came once a week or so. I miss it. Did I mention that those were the times I felt most at peace? Because they are awesome.

Life is a lot like that. Recently, I feel as if my almost 2 year old daughter and I are battling it out. OVER NAPTIME! I mean, come ON! There are so many more important things to be fighting about, but this is the major battle right now. I do not want to battle my daughter, I think there are better, less stressful ways to deal with this kind of thing, but for the life of me I have no clue what it is. For a couple days it got really bad. We were both in bad moods, she was whiny, I was grumpy...not a good combination. It was during this that I failed to enjoy the good things. Enjoy my daughter's laughter, her snuggles and vampire kisses (she bites when she kisses...still trying to fix that one). Sometimes, stopping to enjoy the beauty of a moment in time helps us de-stress enough to get a handle on it.

One way of doing this that is incredibly helpful is quieting your mind in prayer. I am talking about clearing out your head, not praying in any way...just hanging out with God. No agenda or anything. Just sitting with Him in silence. I know, this sounds like mediation right? It is, but w/out the "Ohmmms" and whatnot. Meditating on Him, on His goodness, etc. Mostly, I just sit and enjoy His presence in silence, because there is so much peace in knowing that you can just hang out with Him that way, and then doing it. The world can be chaotic, but you can go to that secret place with Him, and you and He can just enjoy each others presence. It takes some training to do this, mostly because we let our minds wander wherever they want so much. However, once you get the hang of it and have disciplined your mind to not wander, it will be one of the most amazing parts of your walk with the Lord.

Why Do We Spew Such Hate?

In my previous post I wrote about how we, as Christians, need to have compassion rather than standing in judgement of the LGBT community. My heart has been broken for the way the Church in general has wounded those who do not know the Lord. 
 However, the "Great Gay Debate" of last week concerning the owner of Chik-Fil-A's  statements about not agreeing with gay marriage brought about a debate so nasty and full of hate that God began to convict me about my attitude towards those Christians I so wholeheartedly disagree with. I read Christians judging and spewing hate towards each other that was so shocking and heart-wrenching that God was able to open my eyes and make me realize how horrible my own attitude towards those Christians is. I asked in my last post if those Christians were heartbroken over these people they judge so harshly, if they genuinely loved those people, or if they were just "standing up for what is right" in their eyes? However, I did not ask MYSELF those questions

I have read many posts from like-minded Christians who are speaking up about a change in attitude, much like I did in the last post. However, as I read comments, and the replies to those comments I became aware that the attitudes and the spirits behind both sides of nastiness are one and the same. I realized that we were standing in judgement, unforgiving, self-righteous judgement, of those who are standing in the same type of judgement towards the LGBT community.  Perhaps, I should re-iterate that I was standing in that type of judgement.

God has convicted me of this attitude. While I stand by the fact that attitudes need to be transformed into love, which can only happen through the Lord, it is not just the attitudes of those I blogged about in the previous post, but it is the attitude I have expressed. It is not enough to be heartbroken. Heartbreak can lead to many emotions: resentment, hate, etc. However, heartbreak where the one who is heartbroken seeks the Lord for healing, will lead to love for those involved.

Positive, godly change cannot happen without love for each other, and those around us on all sides. When someone disagrees, it is not love that answers in belittling, condescending ways.

So again I ask, where  does your heart lay? What is at the root of your attitude to those who believe differently (within the Church, and without)? And I challenge you, as I am doing: to seek the Lord, and let Him transform your heart.

HAVE YOU TAKEN THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW THOSE WHOM YOU PERSECUTE?

If people who  claim to be Christians put as much effort into loving those around them as they do in hating them, the world would be transformed. No longer would I see hateful pictures/memes/posts about Christians from non-Christians, or the same from Christians about a myriad of other groups. I can imagine Satan rejoicing at how well he has deceived those who are spreading this Christian agenda of hate. Through the idea of taking a moral stand, which sounds righteous and right, a hatred and dissension has been created that does not, in any way glorify God.

I see no love, I see no broken hearts for people who do not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I see an agenda, on both sides. The LGBT community fights because they are given no rights, there agenda is equality. The Christian agenda is to squash immorality. In itself, I do not see anything "wrong", however legalism and hate is what is leading this agenda. This is what makes it bad. There is no love, no compassion.

While I agree with talking to girls who desire abortions, where are the people waiting for them when the procedure is done to show them love and compassion. Because you know what? Those girls are hurting.
What about those in the LGBT community? Many of those people are hurting, too.

 Guess what? People, all people regardless of their sexuality or choices in life, are BROKEN. Including many of those Christians pushing this agenda full of hate.

If you are one of those people who push and push this agenda, have you taken time to get to know people in the LGBT community? Have you heard their stories? Their hearts? Do you know what motivates the decisions they make? Do you know what part of their lives are broken?

I know people who are a part of this community. The one's I have met are very nice, they truly love each other and their children. I have made friends with some, and just remained acquaintances with others. I have also apologized to others for my attitude in the past. 

HAVE YOU TAKEN THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW THOSE WHOM YOU PERSECUTE?

My heart is breaking. I opened up my Facebook this morning to a post about how people are boycotting Chick-Fil-A because the owner is donating to anti-gay groups. I see Christians arguing and being hateful to those boycotting, and since those boycotting are already on the defensive (BECAUSE CHRISTIANS HAVE PUT THEM THERE), arguments ensue and Satan is glorified.

 Hate is glorified.

God?

He's not.

I do not agree with the homosexual lifestyle. However, as I have stated before: I firmly believe that is between that person and God. My part in it is this: to LOVE.

In Luke 7:36-50 there is a passage about how Jesus was dining with a Pharisee (the only people, to my recollection, that he got angry with), and a sinful woman came in to anoint Jesus. Of  course there was protest! I mean, come ON! Jesus was supposed to be a Holy Man! How could He let such a woman come near Him, no less touch Him!?!?! This was not done! This was unacceptable! How DARE HE!?!?!

What did Jesus do?

He LOVED her!

Not only did He love her, but He FORGAVE her. He loved her right where she was, all dirty and sinful. He loved her. He wanted to know her, and wanted to spend eternity with her...a sinful woman.

All you people who can honestly take a look at your moral stand, I challenge you to search your heart. Are you full of compassion for these people you persecute? Do you love them, as Christ loves us? Do you protest because of rules? Or again, is your heart truly broken for them?

Because until your heart is broken for the lost, not just those in the LGBT community, not just the little girl down the street who comes from a bad home, but broken for those who do NOT know the Lord you need to keep your mouth shut.

Yeah, I said it.

You are doing no good, only further wounding those that have not had the privilege of knowing the Lord.

Before you post those pictures/posts/etc. Pray about it, think about it. Search your heart and determine why you are posting those things.

Have you prayed for those you fight?

My heart is utterly broken, and I am reminded of the Crusades. People were murdered and mutilated in the name of the Lord so many years ago. Where that was physical, it is now happening spiritually and mentally.

Until we are broken by the passion that God has for those who do not know Him, we cannot bring about change in the world, not positive change anyway.

I read something about the moral decline our country/world is in, and I honestly believe that because of the lack of love and compassion by Christians to all these groups we oppose, we are just as at fault for that decline as everyone else.

Think about it.

Please feel free to  comment, but don't be hateful. I will delete hateful comments.

However, please remember that I know there are people out there who love the Lord, who are just as disgusted by the bigotry as I am, and are doing something about it. Thank God for a remnant of people who want to please the Lord, and out of that are ministering out of LOVE to those who the Church has shunned.

Becoming Off Center

Sometimes I swear my daughter wakes up with the intent to drive me as crazy as possible. To push me to my absolute breaking point. To the point where I just want to hide in a completely dark, silent room where no one can reach me. Any mothers reading this (and probably dads too) know EXACTLY what I mean.

Well, it is not even just the child's fault, they are just an ingredient in the recipe for disaster. Add in the television being on more than it needs to be, and drama from Facebook, or whatever other source and it all adds up to multiple distractions that cause us to become off center.

This always makes me think of that passage in Isaiah 64:8. This says, "Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."

I have very little experience with a potter's wheel, however I DO know that it is important to ensure the clay is centered on the wheel. If I remember correctly, if the clay is not centered it will cause distortions in what the potter is trying to create. The wheel will become unbalanced.

This is how I feel when I have taken my eyes off the Lord, and become distracted. My mind "goes crazy". I cannot think straight, EVERYTHING annoys me, and I cannot enjoy the little things in life, like being able to stay home with Emma and see her grow. Or enjoy her laughter or triumphant smile as she learns a new trick. Instead,I get short tempered with her.

I think it is at this point that parents can fall into resenting their children, and even their spouses. If we do not recognize the situation for what it is, and give in to the anger and irritation, resentment will take root and grow. Identifying the situation at the offset is vital to the health and relationship you have with your family.

Anyway, when we take our eyes of the Lord, when we stop finding our joy and fulfillment in Him, we become unbalanced and for me at least, unmanageable.

I have heard it said that religion is a crutch and it is said in a very derogatory way. You know what? Jesus IS my crutch. Why? Because I am weak. We are all weak people. We struggle with anxieties, and fears. Without Jesus as my center, life seems crazy and I completely understand the occurrence of things like anxiety attacks.

I have heard it said that the eye of the storm is an incredibly peaceful place. Life is a storm, and it is in Christ where we are able to find peace in the midst of all the chaos. It is times like this where the Scripture in Psalms 46:10 really comes alive: Be still and know that I am God.

It is at these times that all the distractions go off: the television, the radio, and the internet are turned off. It is at this time where I quiet my mind, and re center myself on God.

 And I be still.

And I know that He is God.

And peace is restored, joy is restored, and I can enjoy my daughter, my husband, and life. Her screaming for the heck of it no longer makes me want to bang my head on the wall :) but I can turn around and realize she just wants my undivided attention. I can give that to her, and enjoy her and be the mommy I want to be.

I Am a Gossip

SIDE NOTE: First, let me say that I am through with school until the end of August (just graduated with my Bachelor's Degree in Psychology and now I am onto my Master's WOO HOO!!!). This means, I have more time to devote to me sporadic blog.

Back to the topic at hand. I do not like to hurt people, and there are few things more hurtful to people than finding out that other people have been talking bad about you. Additionally, gossip biases the hearer about the person being talked about. Wrong assumptions are made, and attitudes towards that person are developed and are hard to overcome. Gossip is not only hurtful to the person it is about, but to the  hearer and the teller as well.  Gossip hinders relationships between the three as well because of wrong assumptions, etc.

I have a major problem with this. I get to talking to people and names get brought up and then the pressure comes. The pressure to agree, or ask further questions. Of course my curiosity is peaked as well, and being such a curious person it is hard to NOT ask questions. Then I turn around and tell others what I have heard. However, something happened the other day that stopped me in my tracks.

I was telling my husband a about a conversation I had earlier, and switched into gossiping mode. I said the famous, "And this person does..." and he stopped me right there. He said, "I do not want to hear gossip about this person, so you just need to stop."
WOW! Just...WOW!
NOT what I was expecting, but that is the beautiful thing about marriage. You can challenge each other, and encourage greatness in each other.
When this happened I was offended initially. How could Jake think I was gossiping!?!? BUT I WAS! He nailed it on the head.
So, this is my summer challenge to myself, and to you, my readers: Stop gossip in its tracks. When someone begins to gossip, STOP it! When I begin to do so, STOP MYSELF!

 So, if this happens in a conversation with anyone, do not be offended. I am just pruning my leaves so to speak ;)

You Profess to be a Christian, but do You Live Like an Agnostic?

I once was told that an agnostic believes there might be a God, but if He existed, He does not care at all about what goes on in our lives. Going further, as I understand it, He is not intricately involved in our lives, and has no desire to know anything about us.
Obviously I do not believe this way. Especially since my favorite Scripture is Psalms 139, which goes precisely against that belief. However, I find myself realizing that often I live as if I do hold an agnostic belief.

My husband and I are buying a house, and we have so much peace about it. We really feel as if we are in the center of God's will. However, we have had these moments of anxiety, each at different times, about a mortgage payment that is quite a bit bigger than our current one. My husband experienced this on Friday. During that day he was working hard, and thought to himself how much he would just love a Coke Zero or Pepsi Max. He had planned on stopping in somewhere to get one, but never got the chance. As he was delivering a package, one of the ladies offered him a Coke Zero.
Jake had not prayed about it, nothing. It was just a fleeting thought he had about how amazing it would be to get a little caffeine boost.

How often have we had something like this happen and we thought, "Wow! What a coincidence! That's awesome!" or something along those lines?

Guess what? God PROVIDED my husband with this. That Coke Zero was such an blessing from the Lord. It was not coincidence, and it was not his lucky day. My husband felt that this was God's way of saying, "See, I will take care of you". I cannot even begin to tell you how many times the Lord has done this for me.

How timely!

So many times we go throughout the day stressing about a need, or "getting lucky" when something good happens. We fail to acknowledge that God had a hand in any of the good stuff, yet often when stressful things happen we are quick to ask the Lord why He would let such and such a thing happen.

Those little blessings that we pass off as "having a good day" are not just a part of the good things in life. God is actively seeking to provide for us, provide those thing we don't even ask for. These are the ways He reveals Himself to us, and I think we short change Him and ourselves when we fail to recognize His hand in our daily lives.
My challenge:  Acknowledge God's hand, look for it even. Truly examine your life, be honest with yourself. When you start opening your eyes to God's hand in your daily life, your faith will grow as will your passion for him.

Do You Play a Role? Or Do You Minister?

My last post, as well as recent events have gotten me thinking about my personal ministry as a wife and mom.

Huh? I know, right? Mom? Wife? Those are identities, roles we play...not ministries.


I did not always look at being a wife and mom as a ministry. They were roles I played that became, at times, incredibly tedious. There are days, like today for instance, that I forget that I am not playing a role, but ministering to my husband and daughter. Those are the moments I must stop myself, regroup, and move on. I have had to do that a couple times with Emma this morning.

The problem with playing a role is that it become boring. We become dissatisfied with the roles we are playing, and we start getting fidgety, and short tempered. The role starts to wear on  you, and exhaust you. The things you do for your loved one's become chores, and you begin to resent having to do them to keep everyone happy.

It is exhausting and unfulfilling. In fact, just thinking about it makes me exhausted! Our motives begin to change. We do things like clean the house out of duty, rather than love. It gets overwhelming, and we (or at least) get lazy.

I think this is true for men as well. This is not just a "woman" issue, but a heart and people issue. I think that this is a major problem in marriages, and can create huge rifts that eventually lead to divorce.

When I step back from the situation and remember that this is a ministry, rather than a role, this changes my mindset a lot. Now, do not get me wrong, ministry can often turn into a role we play, and can become tedious as well. This is where heart comes in.

I am constantly asking the Lord to transform my heart. In fact, a verse that I frequently pray is: Ezekial 36:26:
And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.
This is the NLT, and I used it because I like the wording, "...stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."
All of the other versions talk about a heart of stone, and giving a heart of flesh.

My heart often becomes stony. The resentment that builds up when I play a role, rather than minister out of love to my family. It becomes stony when I see the horrors of the world, or deal with people who drive me nuts for one reason or another.

My heart has a propensity towards being stony. I easily become cynical and resentful, and frustrated with the things going on around me and in the world. So, this is a constant prayer that I pray: That God will give me a new heart and a new spirit full of love and compassion. That He will take away my stony, hard heart and give me a new heart that is vulnerable and responsive to Him.

So, my personal ministry as a wife and mother come out of, first and foremost God in me. My desire is to please Him, and out of that comes an incredible love for my husband and daughter. Second, because of that love I desire what is best for them. This means that I keep my house clean, I cook my husband dinner so that he can eat when he gets home. This also extends to more intimate things like sex. I obviously will not go into details, but ensuring that your husband is not in any kind of want is also a part of ministering to him.

For my daughter, this entails listening to her when she is "talking", giving her my undivided attention, even if it just for a few moments, when she is trying to get my attention while I am trying to cook/do homework, etc. This includes taking care of her needs like changing her diaper, feeding her, and bathing her. This also includes setting boundaries and disciplining her when needed.

Ministry to your loved one's means stepping outside of your selfish desires and serving them with an attitude of love. Martha did this, but she sometimes switched into the "role" of serving and became resentful at times. I believe however, that most of the time she did it out of love, she truly loved to make people comfortable and serve them in this way.

Stop Waiting to Be "Launched" into Ministry

This is my 10,950 day of being alive which means I turn 30 tomorrow.

Wow...

You know when you are a kid 30 seems SO OLD?

I know I did. I also thought I'd be well into fulfilling the calling God has on my life. Like, right in the midst of this world changing ministry that touches thousands of people (hundreds of thousands?)

But, here I am just finishing up my Bachelor's degree, and starting my Master's degree in the fall. Already, my 30th year is starting out with a bang. It is exciting, and could be a little disappointing if I dwell on the fact that I am not a missionary in another country (Africa, or Central/South America), I do not have a platform of ministry that reaches a ton of people and changes lives (that I know of ). I am thinking about ministers like Kathryn Kuhlman, Mike Bickle, all these well known men and women of God.

I have realized over the past few years that the journey to fulfilling God's purpose for my life is just as, if not more important than the actual purpose. It is on the journey where we are refined, and made into people who are worshipers of God. The journey is where our faith is strengthened, and we learn to trust in Him more than any other thing. Granted, we are not perfect when we get to the point where we are fulfilling our purpose, but as I write this I have to wonder when does that happen anyway?

There is no point where we stop growing. There is no point where we stop having to go through trials because we have reached perfection. Our faith will always be challenged, and we will always grow.

The fact is, even now I am fulfilling God's will for my life. I am in the center of His will, taking one step at a time. Often we (I am guilty of this myself), think of God's purpose for our lives as an end goal. I know I get narrow minded, and begin to think that I will not really be making a difference until I get to that "magical" place where I am launched into ministry.

We do not get "launched into ministry". We are already there, right where we are. Everyday I encounter people and I have a chance to make that positive, or negative. Our ministry occurs on a daily basis. For me, my ministry is to my husband, my daughter, my extended family, my fellow students, my neighbors.

I am not talking about preaching at them, I am talking about the way I LIVE my life. Do my actions and words speak love and encouragement? Do they bless?

For me, my answer is a resounding, "No!" not all the time anyway.

I have days where I just want to chew everyone out. I have days when I do not feel like cleaning my house. I also have days where my patience with my daughter wears thin. Mostly, however I love to serve my family. I love to have my house spotless so that when Jake comes home he can relax. I love to make my daughter finger paints so that she can paint, though she eats more than she uses (LOL).

So my encouragement today is to stop waiting. Stop the thinking that you are just biding your time until God launches you into "real" ministry, because you are already there! 

He Supplies My Needs...and Often My Wants as Well

I have been frantically looking for a babysitter for two weeks now. I have a GREAT regular babysitter, and a great backup. However, they are not always available, and Jake and I recently had to cancel a foodie tour in Denver because we could not find anyone.

TOTALLY MY FAULT! Seriously, I need to learn to plan better!

So, I joined care.com without realizing that if I wanted to actually get the contact info for these sitters I had to pay $35 a month!!! WHAT!!?!?!?!?!

So I had resorted to Craigslist.

Yeah, I know.

When I think about hiring someone from Craigslist all I can think about is that 30 Rock episode where Liz was medicated after a surgery, and Jack was trying to keep her from calling people on Craigslist about getting a massage. The next morning she is on the phone with Jack when she gets a knock on the door. She yells out, "I already killed her!" in a gruff voice, and the man makes a disappointed noise and leaves.

Paranoid much!?!?!?

Actually, my friend Sara hooked me up with a lady and I was going to have her watch Emma. BUT I had never met this lady! I trust Sara IMPLICITLY! She has 2 of the most beautiful daughters, and this lady took care of them for her. Anyway, I ended up canceling on her because Jake and I did not feel good about leaving Emma with a stranger.

After this incident is when I started searching for a babysitter.  Jake and I are starting Tae Kwondo (?) or some sort of martial arts in a couple weeks together (and I am SO going to kick his butt!), and I need a regular babysitter.

I just got a call from Michelle and she has an opening for whenever for me. I am meeting her on Monday to get to know her a bit. She is so sweet and nice on the phone, PLUS she has kids so Emma can get over her fear of other kids. Although, I think she is growing out of that phase.

ANYWAY, I know I ramble. Sorry! So, I should have prayed that God would help me out in my search. He cares about Emma too! More so than me, although I cannot EVEN imagine that kind of love because I could burst with how much I love my little Emma-nem!

Again, I digress! God provided for me even without my needing to ask Him. He always does this! He takes care of me more than I can imagine. Jake used to call me spoiled, until it started happening to him. Now we are just in awe of how much the Lord loves us, and blesses us. We truly are.

There have been many times when I just really wanted something and God provided it. I never asked, God just knows, because He WANTS to know! WOW! Talk about Psalm 139 coming to life!

Here are some other great verses about how He takes care of us:


Matthew 6:31-32
Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?' For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.
Matthew 7:11
If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!


Ahhhhh! We serve such an amazing God!

We are Not Called to Judge We are Called to Love

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend about another mutual friend. She was worried about this friend because of a few different reasons, and had discussed her worries with other friends.

Let's just call this what it is: Gossip. (I had this exact conversation with this friend, FYI)

Yep! I think of it as the Christian version of gossip: Talking about another person "out of concern".

Now, I know that these people truly are concerned about this other person. However, their concerns are based on conjecture, not truth. Ya know the whole, "If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck" thing.

However much it looks like this person is living in sin, no one knows that they are for a fact. They are judging this person unfairly, and they have not straight out asked them what is going on.

My response to this friend was not one I would have made a year ago. I confronted her about gossiping, but I also encouraged her to love on this friend, and if God told her to say something, only then should she do it.  Because, let's face it. If this friend IS living in sin, they know they are, and no amount of berating from other friends will change their lifestyle. This whole thing is between them and God. I told my friend it was none of her business until this other friend made it her business.

(OH.MY.GOSH! I hope this makes sense, and I am not confusing anyone!)

We are not called to judge, we are called to love. 

I truly believe this. 

Sometimes it seems as if there is a theme running through my life for a month or so. This month that theme is "judgement".

I will be the first to admit that this is something that I struggle with. Not with non Christians, but with Christians. I tend to hold other Christians to a high standard, and when they do not meet my standards, I judge them. This is something I have come to recognize, and immediately try to rectify if possible. This might mean talking to the person, or simply repenting and moving on.

Our walks with the Lord are all different, we are all at different places, and God deals with specific sins at different points of our lives. This is something I need to remember.

The Bible specifically talks about this:

Matthew 7:1-5,  ¹ “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ² For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
   ³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

OH! But it is so SO easy to fall into this trap! I did just the other day at a meeting. I actually lost sleep over my judgmental attitude, and I have been wondering if it was obvious enough that I need to apologize to this person.


Judging others does not do ANY good, it makes the other person feel like crap, and makes you look like a jerk.


The fact of the matter is a lot of times we judge people based on the way they react in situations. If you have not been in that situation, how do you know how you would react? 


You don't! You probably would have done the exact same thing to escape an uncomfortable situation! 
We also judge people because they are doing something we do not agree with. Whether this person lives an alternative lifestyle, or smokes, or sleeps around, etc.


The thing is that it is absolutely NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! God did not call us to berate people or judge people into changing. ONLY GOD CAN CHANGE SOMEONE! 


I am going to be starting my master's degree in clinical mental health counseling in August. I will have to do practicums and I have been confronted with whether or not I will counsel those who live alternative lifestyles (ie, gay, lesbian, transgender, etc). Guess what? I will! Wanna know why?


Because their lifestyle is NONE OF MY BUSINESS! Whether I agree with it or not, it DOES NOT MATTER! That is between them and God and that's it! 

God has called me to love. Period.



 

Security in Christ

Two nights ago my husband and I were watching television when we heard the weirdest cry.
"Is that Emma?" I asked him. We stayed silent for a moment, and sure enough it was. Jake got up quickly and went to check on her. A minute (or less probably) after he got to her, she was still crying and crying. I knew something had to be wrong.
I rushed upstairs and sure enough, she had gotten her foot stuck in between the slats, and daddy could not calm her down. When I got up there, she came to me and slowly began to calm down, and we were able to put her back to bed.

Fast forward to last night: She wakes up screaming, and is absolutely inconsolable. Usually, I can calm her down pretty quick, but it was not happening this time. Jake came up to check on us since she was still crying, and the minute he touched her and began to talk to her she calmed down.

Both times she needed the security of both of us in order to calm down and be okay. Usually she just needs one of us (more specifically, she prefers me for that stuff).

Isn't it interesting that she automatically needs that sense of security? All children need a sense of security, and yelling and screaming at them does not give them it. Giving them all the toys they want, or letting them do whatever they want does not give them that sense of security as well.

Love and boundaries give children a sense of security. I mean, I am like that. I am much more secure in what I am doing when I know exactly what my role is. I prefer structure and clarity in everything that I do. 

Psalm 139: 5, "You have hedged me behind and before, and laid Your hand upon me".

If you know me, or have read this blog you know that Psalm 139 is my absolute, most favorite chapter in the Bible. It talks all about how the Lord loves us and knows us. Well, specifically about how well He knows us, and I figure if He knows us THAT well, He must really REALLY love us!

Anyway, so God gives us boundaries. He disciplines us, much like we discipline our children. Out of LOVE.

Side Note: Discipline, no matter if it is spanking, putting a child in time-out, etc should NEVER be done out of anything but LOVE. If you are frustrated or angry with your child, you need to get over it before you discipline your kid. Otherwise it does no good, and maybe even harms them emotionally (says the psychology major LOL). Seriously though, kids and us need love.

He gives us boundaries, and He loves us so very much. Sometimes I look up at the beautiful night sky and I am in awe of the Lord. He made ALL this! Everything we see, He has made it! And us! He has created each and everyone of us. It seems too much to believe that He is not too busy to pay us any attention.

BUT HE DOES! Just read that whole chapter and tell me He doesn't!

The security we need in this chaotic world is found in Him. Not in anyone or anything else, just Him.

One of my favorite verses is Psalm 46:10, " Be still and know that I am God".

How amazing it is to know that we can find our rest in Him! When life is sucky, things are falling apart, people are being mean, etc. We can REST in knowing that He is in control.

The Tongue is a Powerful Weapon

Oh how easy it is to say something mean to or about others.

 It could be a joke about someone's shortcomings. It  can be an angry retort to your spouse. It can be an irritated response to your child. No matter who is on the receiving end of these words, it will be hurtful.

I know spouses who constantly cuss at each other. I know wives who constantly nag their husbands (and vice-versa!). I know parents who frequently scream at their children.

All of these things indicate to the person on the receiving end, that they are not worthy.

They are not worthy of your respect, or love.

If you have been on the receiving end of this, you know how hurtful it is. You know how it degrades your self-esteem, and confidence in yourself.

I have been on both ends of this. I have had my share of lashing out at the people I love, and the people I do not even know. I have had my share of people saying hurtful things to me, or about me.

It hurts.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 says to encourage each other and build each other up. 

That nagging remark you made to your spouse the other day? That tore them down a bit.

That joke about the overweight lady you made? That eroded her self-confidence.

The way you screamed and yelled at your child? That broke their spirit just a little bit, and took away a sense of security from them.

None of these things builds anyone up. Every word is like termites in a wood house. Slowly the wood is eaten until the structure is unstable, and completely falls apart.


In contrast, your words have the ability to change lives positively as well. My husband and I try to ensure we are always positive with each other. We always let each other know we appreciate their efforts. Our goal is to never make each other feel taken  for granted.

My brother commented on it once. He said, "Why do you always thank each other? He is your husband, he is supposed to do those things."
I thank him because I love him, and appreciate all he does for me. He does the same thing. Appreciation for each other is one way we  build each other up.
There have been times where we have failed in building each other up, but we are quick to forgive and encourage each other.

There have been times when Emma has driven me nuts, and I have tried pushing her away. However, I always try to catch myself, and make a point to stop what I am doing and give her the love and attention she needs. Because pushing her away only tears her down. 

The tongue is a POWERFUL weapon that can be used for good and bad. What will you use it for?

Do You Have an Infestation?

I looked down and saw a black blob that looked like it was moving.

I looked closer....

OH NO! ANTS! *gag*

Okay, I have been places in the world where it was normal to take your shower with giant cockroaches and gross spiders. We actually had each other look out for the spiders while were showering.

Yeah, no modesty when spiders are involved.

I digress...my daughter is like any other toddler and is messy and sticky. She eats part of something and thinks that it is perfectly normal tojust drop what she does not want on the floor. I am working on this with her, but it still happens.

Before you think that my floors are just covered in food, think again. I clean all the time (at least it feels like it). You could EAT off my floor, apparently the ants think so at least.

GRRRR! 

Sure enough I had missed some obscure piece of food that Emma had so casually dropped, and in came the ants. I think we are going to need to spray by the sliding door to get rid of them. Poor guys.

This got me thinking though, about how easy it is for the little things to sneak into our lives. For instance, I say "God" all the time, and not in the proper context. This, I believe is a sin. How on earth did I start saying this SO much!?!?! I mean, I literally use the Lord's name this way 30 times a day. Or at least I did until I realized what I was doing. This number has dropped considerably, but it still happens, and I am still repenting and trying to be even more conscientious about what I am saying. This is the same with swearing. Yes, I admit to swearing, though I have improved considerably and rarely do it anymore. When my husband was in the military we were constantly surrounded by people who swore all the time. That is how it started. When you hear something over and over, I do not know if it just makes it seem like swearing is more acceptable or what. I just know that I started.

The Bible even speaks of swearing: ( Ephesians 4:29 tells us, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.")
There are others, however I feel that using the others such as James 3:9-12 opens up discussion that would be better left to its own post (perhaps tomorrow!)

Even if the Bible did not address swearing, I still think it is vulgar and ugly, and do not want my daughter repeating me.

So, these little infestations that start out innocently and take over. It happens all the time. Watching television a little each day can get out of control to where it is on ALL the time (Yep! I am guilty of this as well!), leaving no time to focus on the Lord, or other important things such as family time.

Satan wants to destroy us, he wants to destroy our relationship with the Lord, and if he cannot outright do it, he will do it in sneaky little ways that seem so innocent or "not that bad", until they take away our focus from the Lord.
I always look at sin, no matter how big or little, as roadblocks  that stand in the way from us experiencing the fullness of God. Because they do, they keep us from experiencing the fullness of God.

What are the ants in your life? Sometimes you have to look close to see them.

And once again, I must remind you (whoever you are! Leave a comment! I would love to hear your thoughts!), that God's grace is sufficient. None of us are perfect, and completely without sin. He LOVES YOU! Do not live under condemnation because you have an ant infestation. God wants you to know Him, repent, and ask the Lord to help you eradicate the pests!

You Cannot Just Walk Away

"You can't walk away from your own story" was a line in the movie "Rango" that I have not been able to get out of my head.
I remember when I was still at FIRE, I went through a very hard time. I remember screaming in the car and telling God to "forget it!" because it was all just too hard, and I did not want to follow Him anymore.

No, I did not stop believing in Him, and I did not become unsaved or anything like that. I just did not want to follow His will anymore, because I did not want to feel pain anymore. I did not want to walk through the "fire" anymore.
(By "fire" I mean that refining fire that we all go through as we become closer and closer to the Lord.)

I was seriously angry, and I did make a decision that went against the Lord's will for my life, and it was a very crappy three or four months before I came crawling back LOL

He did not leave me during that time. He still spoke to me, and I still felt His presence. However, the blessing that comes from being in the center of God's will was obviously missing. It was not an easy few months, and could have had some drastic consequences. Thank God I got over my stubborn rebellion and stepped back into the center of His will.

Psalms 139:16 says, "Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them."

Eph 2:10, "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them."

Both of these verses are Scriptures I hold very close to my heart. In fact, you could say that I cling to them, as I do a few other Scriptures. In fact, Eph 2:10 was the Scripture I used when I spoke at our Baccalaureate service in high school. What an honor that was to share with my fellow students that God has created the perfect plan for them.

And He has. These Scriptures clearly speak of the plan that God has for our lives. Each of us were created for a purpose. To fulfill something great. To touch people's lives in a tangible way. To bring others face to face with the wonder of God. With the greatness of Who He is.

If you read the whole chapter of Psalm 139 you can clearly see that God knows EVERYTHING about you. He knows what you are going to say before you say it, He knows when you get up in the morning, and when you go to sleep. He knows you intimately, because He enjoys you, and wants us to know Him in that way as well.
So, no matter what happens, or how hard life gets. You cannot walk away from your own story. It may not happen the way it was intended, or the way you expected. But only you can tell your story, only you can make the decisions to make your story.

Will it be a story of passion? Or mediocrity? Or destruction?

If you choose to follow God, if you seek His will, I cannot promise you that it will be easy. Most likely there will be some hard times, and hard things to work through. After all, fire burns, and walking through that refining fire will be painful in some ways. However, God will be with you. He will walk with you, support you, encourage you, discipline you, guide you, any thing you need.

He will be, because He is "I AM".

Oh what joy I have found in Jesus! I am never alone no matter how hard it gets.

Making Christ Look Better

Like many of our Christian holidays, there is a little pagan mixed in. At Christmas we have Christmas tree's, and at Easter, we have the Easter bunny. Supposedly early Christians adopted some of the practices of the pagan rituals and celebrations in order to be more attractive to those they were trying to convert.
I did not grow up believing in the Easter bunny, but I did get Easter baskets.
My husband grew up getting a basket  from the Easter bunny, and my daughter will most likely do the same. I personally believe this is harmless, because while this will happen my husband and I plan to emphasize to Emma  the reason we celebrate Easter.
She will always know the importance and significance of this holiday.
With that said, I think it is interesting that Christians have been trying to make Christ look better for so many years.
.
Why do we feel we have to do that?

This happens today as well. We have big programs and plays to attract people to church. We have services where one service is "traditional" with traditional music (hymns, etc), and traditional preaching. The next service is contemporary with special effects, and videos, and skits or plays, etc. When did running a church require a degree in marketing?
Okay, I know it does not require a degree in marketing, but you get my point.

Why is the simple, amazing message of the Cross not good enough?

Why do we feel that Jesus needs improved upon?

I prefer the simplicity of the Message of Jesus Christ. I prefer a worship service that serves as a catalyst into the presence of God, rather than an entertainment show. Whether hymns are being sung, or any of my favorite worship songs, they are simply tools to help me focus and enter in to His presence.
We have made things so complex and difficult as Christians (in general). I am not saying Easter programs, or anything like that are wrong.

Really, I am not.

I just think it is sad that Christians feel as if they/we need to make Christ look better, when usually we just end up making Him look horrible.

When the power of God broke out at the Brownsville church in Pensacola, FL. it was God who brought the people in the doors. Not a program, not a preacher, but the power of God.
His presence.
Any time there has been an outbreak of the presence of God like that people are drawn to Him, not to the program.
I think this is proof enough that God does not need any help looking better.

If You Love the Lord, You'll Repost This (Please read before you choose to repost)

We have all seen them.
You know what I am talking about: Those Facebook posts (or emails, etc) that say if you love Jesus you'll share/like the picture, and they imply that if you do not do what it says then you do not love Him or believe in Him?
I hate those.
I hate those so much.
There are several reasons I hate them. One of those is because I absolutely despise manipulation. I can put up with a lot of things, but being manipulated is the one thing that I have almost no tolerance for. Manipulation is so blatant and purposeful by the person doing it, it drives me nuts.
Another reason is the implication that you have to do something in order to prove you are a Christian. My relationship with the Lord is very personal, and things like that undermine not only your confidence in Him and your relationship, but they undermine His grace as well.
We have a tendency to feels as if we have to prove ourselves, whether to us or to others, or even to God. The easiest way to do this is through works:
Re posting these pictures, or forwarding emails
Volunteering for as much as possible at church.
Praying so much or so long, or reading your Bible so much at a time.
All of these things, with the exception of those re-posting things, in and of themselves are not bad. Our motivation is what I am calling in to question.
I cannot think of a good motivation for re-posting those pictures, they are purely wrong, and I do not know of any good that comes from them.
Being involved in your church is not bad, God calls us to be a part of a community, and He has given us gifts that make us beneficial to that community. However, if you are doing it to "do your Christian duty", or to prove to yourself or others that you are a good Christian, then your motives are completely wrong.
Praying, and reading your Bible are great, but if you are doing it to prove something to yourself or God, then it is just a tedious task that leaves you feeling resentful towards yourself and God.
Doing these things out of the wrong motivation create more and more dissatisfaction with your walk with the Lord, and yourself. They perpetuate a sense of guilt that cannot be assuaged, until you find your identity in Christ.
The trick is being truly honest with yourself. Yes, you say you love children's ministry and that is why you are doing it, but are you doing it because God has called you to do it, or are you doing it because you feel like you have to? It is difficult to be honest with yourself, but maybe a little honesty will help put a stop to the condemnation you feel every time you wish you were not doing it.
Remember, condemnation just makes you feel bad, conviction challenges you to seek the Lord for a change of heart.

Puke, Tears, & Jesus

I woke up this morning to find my husband and daughter on the couch cuddling. This is a bit unusual because they play more than they cuddle. This was also the first sign that something was not normal.
"Is she sick?" I asked him, because this is really the only explanation I could think of. And sure enough, she was sick. So, she cuddled me while daddy got ready for work, and I was able to put her back to bed for a bit.
Fast forward an hour to my drive to a doctor's appointment. She seemed better, so I decided to go ahead and go to the appointment. On the way there she begins crying, and I am trying to soothe her when the smell hit me.
Yep, the smell of vomited milk (FYI, I am eating cottage cheese at the moment and realized that I probably should have waited to write this post...don't think I can finish my cottage cheese now).
So, I get to the doctor's appointment a few seconds later, and begin to try and clean her up. Only it is EVERYWHERE, and she is just crying and crying.
There is no help for it. I take her hoodie off of her and then snuggle her close. For now she is soothed. I run into the office and reschedule my appointment, barely holding back my tears at the sight of my daughter still covered in the puke that just did not want to come off of her.
 I am sure we smelled great.
We get back into the car, and for the 10 minute drive home we are both bawling. I am trying to sing to her ('Tis So Sweet) to soothe her, but my voice keeps cracking, which makes her cry even more.
Because you know, if mommy is crying it must be bad, so she is going to cry too.
We finally got home, bathed, and now my daughter is playing and watching Sesame Street.
What a perfect Monday.
I find it "funny" that I had one of the worst mornings I have ever had, and the song I chose to sing to my sweet, sick baby was the hymn "'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus". Even while singing it to her in the car, I was wondering what on earth possessed me to sing that song, other than the fact that I frequently sing it to her when I put her down for the night.
Seriously, this was really crappy morning, and I am singing about trusting in Jesus. It was definitely one of those moments when I think the Holy Spirit was reminding me to just trust in Him, to rest in God. Yes, this morning has been chaotic, yes it has started out with tears and puke, but truly it is so SO sweet to rest in Him. To trust in Him, and His ability to take care of both of us. To give me peace in an unfamiliar situation. To comfort me, and my daughter, and to help her feel better.
Yes, it is so sweet trust in Jesus.
Here are all the words to this hymn, so beautiful:

1. 'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
   Just to take Him at His word;
   Just to rest upon His promise;
   Just to know, Thus saith the Lord.
• Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him,
  How I've proved Him o'er and o'er,
  Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus!
    O for grace to trust Him more.
2. O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
   Just to trust His cleansing blood;
   Just in simple faith to plunge me,
   'Neath the healing, cleansing flood.
3. Yes, 'tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
   Just from sin and self to cease;
   Just from Jesus simply taking
   Life, and rest, and joy, and peace.
4. I'm so glad I learned to trust Thee,
   Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
   And I know that Thou art with me,
   Wilt be with me to the end.

Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/h/568#ixzz1quCg1YXB

Programs are Not Bad, Legalism Is.

The more I heard about "Friend to Friend" the more excited I got about. The premise of the program is to teach teenagers how to minister to their friends by showing God's love, rather than shoving the Gospel down their throats.
Then it happened.
It's a curriculum designed program.
My heart sunk, and my head rebelled at the idea of a program with a curriculum. How dare they make rules and guidelines for ministry like that!
I know this thinking is somewhat on the ridiculous side, truly it is. Last night as I was sitting there experiencing this, I got to thinking about why on earth I would feel so repelled by the idea of "curriculum" and "programs" that truly just teach practical ways to minister to your friends? These things are not really taught in Sunday school, etc. They are important, because practical application of things is not really common sense.
I grew up in the "Bible Belt", in a small town in Missouri. This town if full of wonderful people, who have touched my life in many ways, both good and bad. Unfortunately, while the town is full of wonderful people, it is also full of legalistic rules that must be followed or  you are going to hell, or failing miserably as a Christian. Now, I do not recall this being outright said, maybe it was, but I do remember that was the general attitude and thought relayed as I was growing up. It was suffocating and exhausting trying to live up to these rules, and grace just was not generally present when you slipped up. For awhile, I thrived in this environment, but after several years, about the time I graduated high school, I began to feel cornered. There was a fork before me, and one way stayed in this town and bad bad things would've happened. I might not even be a Christian today had I stayed, it was that bad. So, I went the other direction, to Florida to Bible School. This was a lifesaver to me, but as I began to grow in Christ, I began to see all these rules and programs that were put on back home as they really were.
They are/were rigid rules that God just was not in.
Do not get me wrong, we need self-discipline, and we should try to live a godly life.
HOWEVER, this does NOT come through rules and programs, it comes through the wonderful grace of God. Entering into His presence, and allowing Him to transform us into His image. This entails a lot of refining, and a lot of humbling yourself, and a big desire to be transformed. The cool thing is that none of this is hard, because you have God right there with you. He is not the kind of God that tells you to do something, and does not do it right alongside you. He is there offering His support the whole time.
So, I am repelled and abhor programs and curriculums, but I am troubled by this. As long as the Holy Spirit is not stifled, as long as these programs do not become rigid rules that must be followed, and have no grace or mercy in them, these programs are great. They are good for teaching practical application of principles in the Bible and can promote growth. How to practically live a Christian life. There is nothing wrong with this, my aversion to these things comes from my aversion to legalism, and this is something I am going to have to deal with.

In The End, it is Agape Love That Changes the World

I am constantly amazed at how much the Lord speaks to me everyday, and often I do not even hear Him, or pay any attention to what He is saying. Too often I am too busy to pay any attention to the details, and miss out on a great lesson.

The other day I was reading a book and came across this quote by Mother Theresa:

"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love."

The book I was reading did not use this exact quote, it was used by a character telling his wife how much he loved her. However, it has stuck with me. I find it beautiful, the way God created love, because to a point I do believe this. However, I also do NOT believe this to be entirely accurate. 

When I was in Bible school (FIRE School of Ministry), I did a paper on the "love" passage in Corinthians. 1 Corinthians 13: 1-13 to be specific. I wanted to know the exact meaning of these words, the exact Greek word used and the context with which it meant. I will not go into all that, mostly because I do not remember the specifics. I wrote it about 10 years ago.  However, I  came away with one Greek word that I feel sums the passage up well: 

Agape

Agape is the Greek word for the kind of love for other people that is completely selfLESS. The kind of love Jesus has for us. If we read through the life of Jesus, we see His love for those around us, and His love for us. He did not live an easy life, he was wanted dead by many people, though he was loved by many as well. He was betrayed by a close friend, and later, during His Crucifixion, He was betrayed by all his disciples save one. He even told Peter that he would betray Him not once, but three times. The fact of the matter is that Jesus was human. He had human emotions, and I believe He felt the pain of those betrayals. I believe this hurt His heart, just like betrayal hurts us. However, Jesus continued to love, He did not become bitter and angry, because He knew the weakness of his dear friends. 

See, Jesus also knows our weaknesses. He knows we are weak people, He knows we will mess up, sin both willfully, and unintentionally. 

I am guilty of allowing myself to wallow in my weakness and be convinced that in order for Jesus to love me again, in order for Him to want to continue a relationship with me, I must beg His forgiveness, and spend a certain amount of time wallowing in my guilt. The problem is that wallowing in my guild only keeps me away from the Lord longer, because the longer I wallow the worse I feel, and the more unworthy I feel to enter into His presence. Wallowing is Satan's way of keeping us away from the Lord, there is no honor in wallowing.

Jesus has already made the sacrifice for us, and He has already forgiven us. We just need to repent, ask for forgiveness and move on.

 He is not a human with whom we have to make up for our mistakes

Many times in order for people to get forgiveness from others is to perform some sort of penance. We have to do something in order to get their forgiveness. If I understand correctly the Catholic faith requires Hail Mary's or "Thy Fathers", something like that to be done so many times in order for someone to gain forgiveness from the Lord for a sin. 

God does NOT require works.

Faith is required.

Jesus already paid the sacrifice.

Back to my point about that quote. When I love fully, I do love more. However, there is always going to be pain involved, because people are always going to intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. But God has called us to love those who hurt us, love those who live different lifestyles than us, love those who disagree with us. 

LOVE

God has called me to love no matter the cost. It is hard, and more often than not I don't want to do it...but I pray frequently that God would change my heart, transform my life so that I would love like He does. 

Because in the end, it is Agape love that will change the world.

That's just life

Ahhhh....it starts, obviously I am not going to post regularly. I feel that this is almost like a journal of what the Lord is showing me, and I want to share with whoever wants to know, so please know that this is completely normal for me!
So spring has sprung! It has been an incredibly warm and dry winter here in Northern Colorado which makes me sad. I am one of those crazy people who truly enjoy a good snow. I love the way those big, fluffy snowflakes fall gently from the sky. It makes me feel as if I am in a snow globe. I love it. However, Spring has its own joys that it brings. Spring always reminds me of renewal ,a time to start over and begin again. I know, I know, isn't that what the New Year is? I guess, I kind of think of the New Year like that, but nothing expresses that better than Spring. I love to see the tree's begin to bud, the daffodils, tulips, and crocuses pushing up out of the ground, and the weather warm up. Of course that comes with sneezing, sneezing, and MORE SNEEZING! Oh, how I loathe allergies. It seems that usually good things coincide with not so enjoyable things, and part of me feels as if I should have some great spiritual insight in relation to that, but I have none. I am not sure that I believe that God brings good things, but balances the good with bad stuff too. The God I view is loving, and while He does discipline and refine us, I just do not see how allergies discipline or refines me. I think that God uses all things to a purpose, but I am pretty sure that allergies are just one of those things we refer to as "life". As in, "That's just life".
Too many people feel that there has to be an explanation for everything. For instance, the guy on the 700 Club...Pat Robertson? What a quack...This guy spews so much hatred it is ridiculous, and then calls it "God". I feel bad for him that he has never experienced the character of Who God is, that He would actually think that God would be so spiteful and hateful. Okay, I digress, because I do not want to give this guy any more attention than everyone seems to love to do. I know too many people who say there is a demon behind every negative or bad thing that happens. Honestly, allergies happen, so do car accidents, etc. That is just part of life, and I think that people (in general) give Satan more credit than he is due.

Walking Confident

I am a Bronco fan, so of course I had to watch the press conference where they introduced Peyton Manning. I like the guy, he seems like a genuinely nice guy, a good role model.
Oh, just so you know, this is NOT a Bronco bashing, Elway bashing post because they replaced Tebow. I like Tebow, and God has the perfect place for him whether it is here where he can learn under Manning, or somewhere else. I will follow his career, but I am, as always, a faithful Bronco fan.
Okay, now that that's out of the way, I will continue with the point of this post.
During the conference Peyton was asked something along the lines of, "Do you think you made the right decision?". Perfectly normal question, but Peyton's answer was not what I would consider normal. He said, and I am not going to quote, because this is not an exact, word for word answer: I think this is the right decision, and I will make sure it is the right decision.
Huh...interesting...
Here is one of the things I like about Peyton Manning, he takes a hold of life and confidently moves forward. He makes a decision, stands by it, and makes sure that it was a good decision. He does not leave life up to chance, he does not make a decision and hope for the best. He makes a decision and proactively ensures that it is a good decision. I like that...life is what we make it.
I think that too many people, myself included, tend to make a decision, close our eyes tight and just hope that it all works out well. When my husband was stationed in Italy, I could not get over how narrow the roads were! Honestly, and I am afraid to admit this, because it is just too horrible, but sometimes when driving on one of those incredibly narrow road (think one lane road here in the States), I would literally close my eyes, hang onto the steering wheel and pray the car coming at me didn't hit me.
NOT SAFE!
I would NEVER recommend that to anyone, and I am sure my husband would've refused to allow me to drive if he had known I did that. I never had an accident though, there is absolutely enough room for two cars, unless you had an American coming at you in their HUGE Escalade they had brought over...those people are insane!
Anyway, Psalm 119:105 says, "Your word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path". Our paths are dark, and unexpected. Trusting in the Lord, and knowing his word is like a flashlight that shows the next step, but not much further than that. We have to trust in Him that He will show us the proper steps, and help us keep our footing.
Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
So not only will God direct us, he will make all things work for good. This does not mean that God will magically make everything right when we make a bad decision, we still have to deal with the consequences of disobedience and/or sin. However, I believe that it does mean that He will still be right there guiding us and directing us. Sometimes mistakes become ministry opportunities. Sometimes bad choices bring about consequences that are hard, and unwanted, but those can be turned into surprising blessings.
This is why we can move forward confidently in our decisions. If we are seeking the Lord, and taking one step at a time, He will direct our paths, He will guide us, and put up red flags when we misstep. A lot of times I miss those red flags until it is too late, but ya know, God is still there with me, redirecting me.
I can think of one example of this: When I graduated from Bible School and went through an internship at The International House of Prayer, I decided it was time to do my own thing, and moved to Pueblo to live with my brother and sister-in-law. They are GREAT people, and I love them dearly. However, this was NOT in God's will, and it took me three or four months to realize this. It was kind of a rough few months, but God was still tugging at me to go home, and in the meantime I was very blessed to get to know the Pastor's at Trinity Life Center, where my family grew up going to church for several years before we moved away. These people encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and I grew a lot spiritually in that time. So you see, I was not in the center of God's will, but He turned it all for good in the end.
God is faithful, He loves us and wants the best for us. Thank God we can walk our life's journey with confidence knowing that He is always there guiding and directing our steps. We just need to listen

Rejoicing and Delight

I love my daughter, I love when she walks up to me and just wants to be held or snuggled, or just get in the middle of what I am working on. Let's be honest though, sometimes it drives me nuts that she wants to be right there involved in what I am doing, whether it is writing a paper, or cooking. It is very easy to tell her, "No" and go back to what I am doing. It would be very easy to yell at her for messing up the laundry I just folded. Let's face it, sometimes it is very easy to get  frustrated with our children and push them away. I try very hard not to do this. I have neighbors who scream at their children all the time, I am pretty sure this is the only way they know how to communicate. However, not only is this annoying, but it is wrong. Children can feel when their parents are frustrated with them or resent them, and constantly turning your child away or yelling at them is hurtful. It is hurtful to your children, and it is hurtful for your relationship.

When I feel myself starting to get irritated with Emma for wanting me when I am focused on something else, I make point to stop what I am doing to give her some attention. This is what she wants anyway, she wants my full attention, she wants "Mommy time".  Children need these things, they need to feel secure and loved, and this is one way, especially at this age, of showing them your love. Emma needs to know she is important to me, and she is more important than dinner, or my homework. Cultivating that relationship with her is more important to me than almost anything else. My responsibility as a parent is to teach her godly principles, and encourage her, and lift her up. Even when disciplining her. I never want to break my daughters beautiful spirit, I never want to crush her confidence, or shatter her self-esteem. I have seen way too many parents do this to their children, and it is just so heartbreaking. 

This reminds me of our relationship with the Lord. Did you know that Proverbs 8 talks about how His "delight was with the sons of men"? I remember when Emma was about 3 months old or so and she began to really notice the things around her more. She looked up one day and saw these flowers I have on a shelf above our television and her whole face lit up. It truly was like her whole body was smiling when she noticed those flowers. Almost is if they were put there especially for her. I thought at the time that the delight she showed when she saw those flowers is just a tiny glimpse of how much the Lord delights in us. 

Right before that part of the verse (vs 31), it says "Rejoicing in His inhabited world." WOW! He rejoices in us AND is delighted with us! How amazingly awesome is this? Okay, I know what some may be thinking, "Well, that does not mean me, just the population and the world in general." Well, you are wrong. Read Psalm 139 and tell me that the Lord does not rejoice and delight in us personally. He does, He loves you with an amazing and awesome love. 

I truly delight in my daughter. Every morning she crawls into my  lap and snuggles as we watch Sesame Street. I love and cherish these moments. I cherish those moments when she wants to share her food with me. Yes, even the food that she has smashed in her hands until it is unrecognizable. And while I complain about it, I truly love her incredibly slobbery kisses. She is a delight to watch as she giggles and laughs hysterically at the dogs when they play. She brings me so much joy, and I am even more in awe when I realize that as much joy as she brings me, this is still only a small glimpse of how much joy God takes in me (and you).

I Am

Recently the brother of a man I knew several years ago was murdered because he was a Christian. I remember when I was much younger (think early teens), I always thought that if I had to die, I wanted to die for my faith. There was always something "romantic" about becoming a martyr. Of course this is before I truly realized the impact of such a death. I am not saying I would not want to die a martyr's death, as I will never back down from my faith, no matter what. However, I do not romanticize it, and have not for a long time. In my eyes, this man is a hero, he and his family loved these people, and ministered to them. I do not know the details of their ministry, and cannot go into the details I do know, but I have the utmost respect for him and his family, and my heart is broken for those left behind, specifically the wife and children that were left behind. While I am sure it is comforting to them to know that he is with the Lord, I cannot help but grieve for what will be missed. As I lay in my husbands arms last night, I thought about how this young man's wife will never again feel his arms around her. As I played with my daughter, I thought about how his children will not ever again be able to play with their daddy. These things are the things that break my heart.
These things are also my greatest fear, losing Jake and never feeling his arms around me. My daughter not growing up knowing her daddy. It would be easy to let this fear eat me up, and to obsess over it. I could easily become a neurotic mess, but this is where trust and my faith in God come. I am not saying that God will never allow me to lose the people I love, because that is completely unrealistic. The people I love, at some point, will die. I pray for my loved ones everyday, asking God's protection over them. I trust Him to keep them safe. However, I also trust that if someone I love were to pass away, I would be okay. It will be hard, and I will miss them, but God has proven to me that He is my comforter. He will heal my hurt, and comfort me in my darkest moments.
In Exodus 3:14, God told Moses, "I am that I am...tell the Israelites, 'I Am' has sent you". I always thought that was odd: I Am? What the heck? I believe that God did not specify because He is EVERYTHING we could possibly need or want. I remember several years ago I was going through the darkest period of my life. I would literally curl up in a ball on my bedroom floor and beg God to take my life, because I could not handle the emotional pain any longer. It was in that moment, those very long three or four months, that God showed me that He truly is everything I could need. He comforted me and "held" me as I cried. I have never gone through anything that painful, and I hope (probably foolishly) that I never do again. However, I do know that if I do, God is there. He is there to comfort me, to give me hope, to give me strength, and anything and everything else I could possibly need. So, while I dread the thought of losing my parents, Jake, Emma, and any of my other loved one's, I know that should this happen, "I Am" will be right there comforting me.

Wicked

Wicked: Morally very bad: Evil

Today in church we sang a worship song that had a line it that went something along the lines as, "You see me as wicked..." Something like that. This has stuck with me all day, and makes me pray that people do not live under the condemnation that even though they are saved, that they have accepted Jesus as their Savior, that God still see's them as wicked.
Romans 8:1: There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
The fact of the matter is that before we know Christ, we are wicked. We are full of sin and we live in sin. We can say, "Oh, but I never killed anyone", or "I never did anything bad"...but truly, if you think about it, is this true?
Okay, so I digress. God loves us, He loves us SO MUCH that He sent His Son to die a horrible death, and then He raised Him, so that He could stand in the gap for us. So that through Jesus Christ we could be cleansed, forgiven, and enter into the presence of God.
God does not see us as wicked. He loves us, He wants to have a relationship so much that He pursues us. Read Psalm 139, he knows exactly what is going on in our lives down to the words we are going to say. He wants a relationship with us, He wants US to know HIM the way He knows us.
Having a daughter has changed the way I think about things, and my faith is one of those things. My daughter does things that she knows is wrong. She'll look up to see if I am watching, and then proceed to blatantly disobey me, but she thinks she is being sneaky about it. I have to laugh, even while, once again, I am telling her, "No!".
This is how I believe that God see's us. We are going to sin, we just are. We are not perfect, nor will we be perfect until we get to heaven. He loves me, and enjoys watching me grow and learn. I even wonder if he kind of laughs when I think I can get away with something, or if it grieves him more..maybe both?
So, the point of this post is this:
Do not look at God as if he is the "Big eye in the sky, just waiting to squash you like a bug the minute you do something wrong". He is not. He loves you, He wants relationship with you, and when we willfully live in sin this separates us from him. I always looked at is as roadblocks. We have to repent, and ask God to change our hearts, and then move on without living under condemnation. Condemnation is not from the Lord...conviction is. And conviction encourages us to repent, and grow. Condemnation wants us to wallow in our guilt, stuck there forever.