I am angry. I shouldn't be, but so I am. I know that people come and go in our lives. I try very hard to be a good friend, and seek out those I call my friends. What makes me angry is when there is no reciprocation. No phone calls back, or even a facebook message that takes hardly any time to write. I think it is because I invest so much in those people I call friends, and when they do not make any effort, or just completely stop one day it hurts and confuses me. I understand that sometimes friendships run their course, but at least let me know what happened! Gahh!
So, as I was wallowing in my hurt and anger today, I decided that I was just not going to care anymore. I was no longer going to invest so much into my relationships with others. Unfortunately, this does not work for me and I know it.
I have also tried it. For years I kept people at arms length, not allowing myself to care, because let's be honest folks! It hurts! No one wants to make themselves vulnerable to the pain of rejection. Then, one semester at F.I.R.E. (a Bible school I went to), I began exegeting (sp?) a paper on 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. Yep! The "love" passage. It was during that time that God dramatically changed my life. He has called me to love. To love selflessly, and vulnerably.
Fun, huh?
Not so much. I whined and told God I did not want to. I did not want to hurt. Funny, but at this same time I was going through one of the most emotionally painful times of my life. I mean, I hurt so much emotionally/mentally that I could physically feel it. I would curl up in a ball in my bedroom and beg God to let me die. I had no desire whatsoever to live if life was going to be so painful.
But guess what? He revealed Himself to me in a way I had never known Him. He comforted me, and loved me. He carried me through this time of my life, and proved Himself to me. He would never leave me. No matter what comes, He will always be there, He will always be my strength, my comfort.
He is "I Am"...because He is EVERYTHING I will ever need.
Knowing this changes things. I still hurt and get angry when a relationship I have so lovingly tended to seemingly ends. I don't get it....maybe I was too honest in what I said? I still replay our last conversation over and over in my head, and can only come to the conclusion that this person did not like my honesty. Maybe I was wrong in the conversation. I don't think so...but maybe.
However, God is there to comfort me. I do not have to understand, though I want to. I just have to let God heal that hurt and move on.
My struggle though, is that things like this make me want to fall into my old ways. I have reached out to people in the past year, and only just recently am I making friends who seem to WANT to be friends, rather than trying and trying to connect with people.
I put myself out there because God has called me to do so. He has called me to love others unconditionally, to show them His love. But I do get weary of the rejection, I get weary of leaving message upon message to people only to get a response several weeks or months later.
The question is: Do I give up? Or do I keep trying to keep in touch? These are relationships I valued, and still want to cultivate. But when is it because that person is just bad at keeping in touch, and when is it time to move on?
I look to the Old Testament, and the Israelites relationship with God. They would cry out to Him, and when things got good they forgot about Him. When things got bad again they cried out to Him. God loved them through it all. He got angry, but He still loved them. He still sought them, and spoke to them. I believe He does that to this day, only with all of us, not just the Jewish people.
He has not moved on....
So, as I was wallowing in my hurt and anger today, I decided that I was just not going to care anymore. I was no longer going to invest so much into my relationships with others. Unfortunately, this does not work for me and I know it.
I have also tried it. For years I kept people at arms length, not allowing myself to care, because let's be honest folks! It hurts! No one wants to make themselves vulnerable to the pain of rejection. Then, one semester at F.I.R.E. (a Bible school I went to), I began exegeting (sp?) a paper on 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. Yep! The "love" passage. It was during that time that God dramatically changed my life. He has called me to love. To love selflessly, and vulnerably.
Fun, huh?
Not so much. I whined and told God I did not want to. I did not want to hurt. Funny, but at this same time I was going through one of the most emotionally painful times of my life. I mean, I hurt so much emotionally/mentally that I could physically feel it. I would curl up in a ball in my bedroom and beg God to let me die. I had no desire whatsoever to live if life was going to be so painful.
But guess what? He revealed Himself to me in a way I had never known Him. He comforted me, and loved me. He carried me through this time of my life, and proved Himself to me. He would never leave me. No matter what comes, He will always be there, He will always be my strength, my comfort.
He is "I Am"...because He is EVERYTHING I will ever need.
Knowing this changes things. I still hurt and get angry when a relationship I have so lovingly tended to seemingly ends. I don't get it....maybe I was too honest in what I said? I still replay our last conversation over and over in my head, and can only come to the conclusion that this person did not like my honesty. Maybe I was wrong in the conversation. I don't think so...but maybe.
However, God is there to comfort me. I do not have to understand, though I want to. I just have to let God heal that hurt and move on.
My struggle though, is that things like this make me want to fall into my old ways. I have reached out to people in the past year, and only just recently am I making friends who seem to WANT to be friends, rather than trying and trying to connect with people.
I put myself out there because God has called me to do so. He has called me to love others unconditionally, to show them His love. But I do get weary of the rejection, I get weary of leaving message upon message to people only to get a response several weeks or months later.
The question is: Do I give up? Or do I keep trying to keep in touch? These are relationships I valued, and still want to cultivate. But when is it because that person is just bad at keeping in touch, and when is it time to move on?
I look to the Old Testament, and the Israelites relationship with God. They would cry out to Him, and when things got good they forgot about Him. When things got bad again they cried out to Him. God loved them through it all. He got angry, but He still loved them. He still sought them, and spoke to them. I believe He does that to this day, only with all of us, not just the Jewish people.
He has not moved on....
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