Recently the brother of a man I knew several years ago was murdered because he was a Christian. I remember when I was much younger (think early teens), I always thought that if I had to die, I wanted to die for my faith. There was always something "romantic" about becoming a martyr. Of course this is before I truly realized the impact of such a death. I am not saying I would not want to die a martyr's death, as I will never back down from my faith, no matter what. However, I do not romanticize it, and have not for a long time. In my eyes, this man is a hero, he and his family loved these people, and ministered to them. I do not know the details of their ministry, and cannot go into the details I do know, but I have the utmost respect for him and his family, and my heart is broken for those left behind, specifically the wife and children that were left behind. While I am sure it is comforting to them to know that he is with the Lord, I cannot help but grieve for what will be missed. As I lay in my husbands arms last night, I thought about how this young man's wife will never again feel his arms around her. As I played with my daughter, I thought about how his children will not ever again be able to play with their daddy. These things are the things that break my heart.
These things are also my greatest fear, losing Jake and never feeling his arms around me. My daughter not growing up knowing her daddy. It would be easy to let this fear eat me up, and to obsess over it. I could easily become a neurotic mess, but this is where trust and my faith in God come. I am not saying that God will never allow me to lose the people I love, because that is completely unrealistic. The people I love, at some point, will die. I pray for my loved ones everyday, asking God's protection over them. I trust Him to keep them safe. However, I also trust that if someone I love were to pass away, I would be okay. It will be hard, and I will miss them, but God has proven to me that He is my comforter. He will heal my hurt, and comfort me in my darkest moments.
In Exodus 3:14, God told Moses, "I am that I am...tell the Israelites, 'I Am' has sent you". I always thought that was odd: I Am? What the heck? I believe that God did not specify because He is EVERYTHING we could possibly need or want. I remember several years ago I was going through the darkest period of my life. I would literally curl up in a ball on my bedroom floor and beg God to take my life, because I could not handle the emotional pain any longer. It was in that moment, those very long three or four months, that God showed me that He truly is everything I could need. He comforted me and "held" me as I cried. I have never gone through anything that painful, and I hope (probably foolishly) that I never do again. However, I do know that if I do, God is there. He is there to comfort me, to give me hope, to give me strength, and anything and everything else I could possibly need. So, while I dread the thought of losing my parents, Jake, Emma, and any of my other loved one's, I know that should this happen, "I Am" will be right there comforting me.
These things are also my greatest fear, losing Jake and never feeling his arms around me. My daughter not growing up knowing her daddy. It would be easy to let this fear eat me up, and to obsess over it. I could easily become a neurotic mess, but this is where trust and my faith in God come. I am not saying that God will never allow me to lose the people I love, because that is completely unrealistic. The people I love, at some point, will die. I pray for my loved ones everyday, asking God's protection over them. I trust Him to keep them safe. However, I also trust that if someone I love were to pass away, I would be okay. It will be hard, and I will miss them, but God has proven to me that He is my comforter. He will heal my hurt, and comfort me in my darkest moments.
In Exodus 3:14, God told Moses, "I am that I am...tell the Israelites, 'I Am' has sent you". I always thought that was odd: I Am? What the heck? I believe that God did not specify because He is EVERYTHING we could possibly need or want. I remember several years ago I was going through the darkest period of my life. I would literally curl up in a ball on my bedroom floor and beg God to take my life, because I could not handle the emotional pain any longer. It was in that moment, those very long three or four months, that God showed me that He truly is everything I could need. He comforted me and "held" me as I cried. I have never gone through anything that painful, and I hope (probably foolishly) that I never do again. However, I do know that if I do, God is there. He is there to comfort me, to give me hope, to give me strength, and anything and everything else I could possibly need. So, while I dread the thought of losing my parents, Jake, Emma, and any of my other loved one's, I know that should this happen, "I Am" will be right there comforting me.
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