Programs are Not Bad, Legalism Is.

The more I heard about "Friend to Friend" the more excited I got about. The premise of the program is to teach teenagers how to minister to their friends by showing God's love, rather than shoving the Gospel down their throats.
Then it happened.
It's a curriculum designed program.
My heart sunk, and my head rebelled at the idea of a program with a curriculum. How dare they make rules and guidelines for ministry like that!
I know this thinking is somewhat on the ridiculous side, truly it is. Last night as I was sitting there experiencing this, I got to thinking about why on earth I would feel so repelled by the idea of "curriculum" and "programs" that truly just teach practical ways to minister to your friends? These things are not really taught in Sunday school, etc. They are important, because practical application of things is not really common sense.
I grew up in the "Bible Belt", in a small town in Missouri. This town if full of wonderful people, who have touched my life in many ways, both good and bad. Unfortunately, while the town is full of wonderful people, it is also full of legalistic rules that must be followed or  you are going to hell, or failing miserably as a Christian. Now, I do not recall this being outright said, maybe it was, but I do remember that was the general attitude and thought relayed as I was growing up. It was suffocating and exhausting trying to live up to these rules, and grace just was not generally present when you slipped up. For awhile, I thrived in this environment, but after several years, about the time I graduated high school, I began to feel cornered. There was a fork before me, and one way stayed in this town and bad bad things would've happened. I might not even be a Christian today had I stayed, it was that bad. So, I went the other direction, to Florida to Bible School. This was a lifesaver to me, but as I began to grow in Christ, I began to see all these rules and programs that were put on back home as they really were.
They are/were rigid rules that God just was not in.
Do not get me wrong, we need self-discipline, and we should try to live a godly life.
HOWEVER, this does NOT come through rules and programs, it comes through the wonderful grace of God. Entering into His presence, and allowing Him to transform us into His image. This entails a lot of refining, and a lot of humbling yourself, and a big desire to be transformed. The cool thing is that none of this is hard, because you have God right there with you. He is not the kind of God that tells you to do something, and does not do it right alongside you. He is there offering His support the whole time.
So, I am repelled and abhor programs and curriculums, but I am troubled by this. As long as the Holy Spirit is not stifled, as long as these programs do not become rigid rules that must be followed, and have no grace or mercy in them, these programs are great. They are good for teaching practical application of principles in the Bible and can promote growth. How to practically live a Christian life. There is nothing wrong with this, my aversion to these things comes from my aversion to legalism, and this is something I am going to have to deal with.

In The End, it is Agape Love That Changes the World

I am constantly amazed at how much the Lord speaks to me everyday, and often I do not even hear Him, or pay any attention to what He is saying. Too often I am too busy to pay any attention to the details, and miss out on a great lesson.

The other day I was reading a book and came across this quote by Mother Theresa:

"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love."

The book I was reading did not use this exact quote, it was used by a character telling his wife how much he loved her. However, it has stuck with me. I find it beautiful, the way God created love, because to a point I do believe this. However, I also do NOT believe this to be entirely accurate. 

When I was in Bible school (FIRE School of Ministry), I did a paper on the "love" passage in Corinthians. 1 Corinthians 13: 1-13 to be specific. I wanted to know the exact meaning of these words, the exact Greek word used and the context with which it meant. I will not go into all that, mostly because I do not remember the specifics. I wrote it about 10 years ago.  However, I  came away with one Greek word that I feel sums the passage up well: 

Agape

Agape is the Greek word for the kind of love for other people that is completely selfLESS. The kind of love Jesus has for us. If we read through the life of Jesus, we see His love for those around us, and His love for us. He did not live an easy life, he was wanted dead by many people, though he was loved by many as well. He was betrayed by a close friend, and later, during His Crucifixion, He was betrayed by all his disciples save one. He even told Peter that he would betray Him not once, but three times. The fact of the matter is that Jesus was human. He had human emotions, and I believe He felt the pain of those betrayals. I believe this hurt His heart, just like betrayal hurts us. However, Jesus continued to love, He did not become bitter and angry, because He knew the weakness of his dear friends. 

See, Jesus also knows our weaknesses. He knows we are weak people, He knows we will mess up, sin both willfully, and unintentionally. 

I am guilty of allowing myself to wallow in my weakness and be convinced that in order for Jesus to love me again, in order for Him to want to continue a relationship with me, I must beg His forgiveness, and spend a certain amount of time wallowing in my guilt. The problem is that wallowing in my guild only keeps me away from the Lord longer, because the longer I wallow the worse I feel, and the more unworthy I feel to enter into His presence. Wallowing is Satan's way of keeping us away from the Lord, there is no honor in wallowing.

Jesus has already made the sacrifice for us, and He has already forgiven us. We just need to repent, ask for forgiveness and move on.

 He is not a human with whom we have to make up for our mistakes

Many times in order for people to get forgiveness from others is to perform some sort of penance. We have to do something in order to get their forgiveness. If I understand correctly the Catholic faith requires Hail Mary's or "Thy Fathers", something like that to be done so many times in order for someone to gain forgiveness from the Lord for a sin. 

God does NOT require works.

Faith is required.

Jesus already paid the sacrifice.

Back to my point about that quote. When I love fully, I do love more. However, there is always going to be pain involved, because people are always going to intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. But God has called us to love those who hurt us, love those who live different lifestyles than us, love those who disagree with us. 

LOVE

God has called me to love no matter the cost. It is hard, and more often than not I don't want to do it...but I pray frequently that God would change my heart, transform my life so that I would love like He does. 

Because in the end, it is Agape love that will change the world.

That's just life

Ahhhh....it starts, obviously I am not going to post regularly. I feel that this is almost like a journal of what the Lord is showing me, and I want to share with whoever wants to know, so please know that this is completely normal for me!
So spring has sprung! It has been an incredibly warm and dry winter here in Northern Colorado which makes me sad. I am one of those crazy people who truly enjoy a good snow. I love the way those big, fluffy snowflakes fall gently from the sky. It makes me feel as if I am in a snow globe. I love it. However, Spring has its own joys that it brings. Spring always reminds me of renewal ,a time to start over and begin again. I know, I know, isn't that what the New Year is? I guess, I kind of think of the New Year like that, but nothing expresses that better than Spring. I love to see the tree's begin to bud, the daffodils, tulips, and crocuses pushing up out of the ground, and the weather warm up. Of course that comes with sneezing, sneezing, and MORE SNEEZING! Oh, how I loathe allergies. It seems that usually good things coincide with not so enjoyable things, and part of me feels as if I should have some great spiritual insight in relation to that, but I have none. I am not sure that I believe that God brings good things, but balances the good with bad stuff too. The God I view is loving, and while He does discipline and refine us, I just do not see how allergies discipline or refines me. I think that God uses all things to a purpose, but I am pretty sure that allergies are just one of those things we refer to as "life". As in, "That's just life".
Too many people feel that there has to be an explanation for everything. For instance, the guy on the 700 Club...Pat Robertson? What a quack...This guy spews so much hatred it is ridiculous, and then calls it "God". I feel bad for him that he has never experienced the character of Who God is, that He would actually think that God would be so spiteful and hateful. Okay, I digress, because I do not want to give this guy any more attention than everyone seems to love to do. I know too many people who say there is a demon behind every negative or bad thing that happens. Honestly, allergies happen, so do car accidents, etc. That is just part of life, and I think that people (in general) give Satan more credit than he is due.

Walking Confident

I am a Bronco fan, so of course I had to watch the press conference where they introduced Peyton Manning. I like the guy, he seems like a genuinely nice guy, a good role model.
Oh, just so you know, this is NOT a Bronco bashing, Elway bashing post because they replaced Tebow. I like Tebow, and God has the perfect place for him whether it is here where he can learn under Manning, or somewhere else. I will follow his career, but I am, as always, a faithful Bronco fan.
Okay, now that that's out of the way, I will continue with the point of this post.
During the conference Peyton was asked something along the lines of, "Do you think you made the right decision?". Perfectly normal question, but Peyton's answer was not what I would consider normal. He said, and I am not going to quote, because this is not an exact, word for word answer: I think this is the right decision, and I will make sure it is the right decision.
Huh...interesting...
Here is one of the things I like about Peyton Manning, he takes a hold of life and confidently moves forward. He makes a decision, stands by it, and makes sure that it was a good decision. He does not leave life up to chance, he does not make a decision and hope for the best. He makes a decision and proactively ensures that it is a good decision. I like that...life is what we make it.
I think that too many people, myself included, tend to make a decision, close our eyes tight and just hope that it all works out well. When my husband was stationed in Italy, I could not get over how narrow the roads were! Honestly, and I am afraid to admit this, because it is just too horrible, but sometimes when driving on one of those incredibly narrow road (think one lane road here in the States), I would literally close my eyes, hang onto the steering wheel and pray the car coming at me didn't hit me.
NOT SAFE!
I would NEVER recommend that to anyone, and I am sure my husband would've refused to allow me to drive if he had known I did that. I never had an accident though, there is absolutely enough room for two cars, unless you had an American coming at you in their HUGE Escalade they had brought over...those people are insane!
Anyway, Psalm 119:105 says, "Your word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path". Our paths are dark, and unexpected. Trusting in the Lord, and knowing his word is like a flashlight that shows the next step, but not much further than that. We have to trust in Him that He will show us the proper steps, and help us keep our footing.
Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
So not only will God direct us, he will make all things work for good. This does not mean that God will magically make everything right when we make a bad decision, we still have to deal with the consequences of disobedience and/or sin. However, I believe that it does mean that He will still be right there guiding us and directing us. Sometimes mistakes become ministry opportunities. Sometimes bad choices bring about consequences that are hard, and unwanted, but those can be turned into surprising blessings.
This is why we can move forward confidently in our decisions. If we are seeking the Lord, and taking one step at a time, He will direct our paths, He will guide us, and put up red flags when we misstep. A lot of times I miss those red flags until it is too late, but ya know, God is still there with me, redirecting me.
I can think of one example of this: When I graduated from Bible School and went through an internship at The International House of Prayer, I decided it was time to do my own thing, and moved to Pueblo to live with my brother and sister-in-law. They are GREAT people, and I love them dearly. However, this was NOT in God's will, and it took me three or four months to realize this. It was kind of a rough few months, but God was still tugging at me to go home, and in the meantime I was very blessed to get to know the Pastor's at Trinity Life Center, where my family grew up going to church for several years before we moved away. These people encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and I grew a lot spiritually in that time. So you see, I was not in the center of God's will, but He turned it all for good in the end.
God is faithful, He loves us and wants the best for us. Thank God we can walk our life's journey with confidence knowing that He is always there guiding and directing our steps. We just need to listen

Rejoicing and Delight

I love my daughter, I love when she walks up to me and just wants to be held or snuggled, or just get in the middle of what I am working on. Let's be honest though, sometimes it drives me nuts that she wants to be right there involved in what I am doing, whether it is writing a paper, or cooking. It is very easy to tell her, "No" and go back to what I am doing. It would be very easy to yell at her for messing up the laundry I just folded. Let's face it, sometimes it is very easy to get  frustrated with our children and push them away. I try very hard not to do this. I have neighbors who scream at their children all the time, I am pretty sure this is the only way they know how to communicate. However, not only is this annoying, but it is wrong. Children can feel when their parents are frustrated with them or resent them, and constantly turning your child away or yelling at them is hurtful. It is hurtful to your children, and it is hurtful for your relationship.

When I feel myself starting to get irritated with Emma for wanting me when I am focused on something else, I make point to stop what I am doing to give her some attention. This is what she wants anyway, she wants my full attention, she wants "Mommy time".  Children need these things, they need to feel secure and loved, and this is one way, especially at this age, of showing them your love. Emma needs to know she is important to me, and she is more important than dinner, or my homework. Cultivating that relationship with her is more important to me than almost anything else. My responsibility as a parent is to teach her godly principles, and encourage her, and lift her up. Even when disciplining her. I never want to break my daughters beautiful spirit, I never want to crush her confidence, or shatter her self-esteem. I have seen way too many parents do this to their children, and it is just so heartbreaking. 

This reminds me of our relationship with the Lord. Did you know that Proverbs 8 talks about how His "delight was with the sons of men"? I remember when Emma was about 3 months old or so and she began to really notice the things around her more. She looked up one day and saw these flowers I have on a shelf above our television and her whole face lit up. It truly was like her whole body was smiling when she noticed those flowers. Almost is if they were put there especially for her. I thought at the time that the delight she showed when she saw those flowers is just a tiny glimpse of how much the Lord delights in us. 

Right before that part of the verse (vs 31), it says "Rejoicing in His inhabited world." WOW! He rejoices in us AND is delighted with us! How amazingly awesome is this? Okay, I know what some may be thinking, "Well, that does not mean me, just the population and the world in general." Well, you are wrong. Read Psalm 139 and tell me that the Lord does not rejoice and delight in us personally. He does, He loves you with an amazing and awesome love. 

I truly delight in my daughter. Every morning she crawls into my  lap and snuggles as we watch Sesame Street. I love and cherish these moments. I cherish those moments when she wants to share her food with me. Yes, even the food that she has smashed in her hands until it is unrecognizable. And while I complain about it, I truly love her incredibly slobbery kisses. She is a delight to watch as she giggles and laughs hysterically at the dogs when they play. She brings me so much joy, and I am even more in awe when I realize that as much joy as she brings me, this is still only a small glimpse of how much joy God takes in me (and you).

I Am

Recently the brother of a man I knew several years ago was murdered because he was a Christian. I remember when I was much younger (think early teens), I always thought that if I had to die, I wanted to die for my faith. There was always something "romantic" about becoming a martyr. Of course this is before I truly realized the impact of such a death. I am not saying I would not want to die a martyr's death, as I will never back down from my faith, no matter what. However, I do not romanticize it, and have not for a long time. In my eyes, this man is a hero, he and his family loved these people, and ministered to them. I do not know the details of their ministry, and cannot go into the details I do know, but I have the utmost respect for him and his family, and my heart is broken for those left behind, specifically the wife and children that were left behind. While I am sure it is comforting to them to know that he is with the Lord, I cannot help but grieve for what will be missed. As I lay in my husbands arms last night, I thought about how this young man's wife will never again feel his arms around her. As I played with my daughter, I thought about how his children will not ever again be able to play with their daddy. These things are the things that break my heart.
These things are also my greatest fear, losing Jake and never feeling his arms around me. My daughter not growing up knowing her daddy. It would be easy to let this fear eat me up, and to obsess over it. I could easily become a neurotic mess, but this is where trust and my faith in God come. I am not saying that God will never allow me to lose the people I love, because that is completely unrealistic. The people I love, at some point, will die. I pray for my loved ones everyday, asking God's protection over them. I trust Him to keep them safe. However, I also trust that if someone I love were to pass away, I would be okay. It will be hard, and I will miss them, but God has proven to me that He is my comforter. He will heal my hurt, and comfort me in my darkest moments.
In Exodus 3:14, God told Moses, "I am that I am...tell the Israelites, 'I Am' has sent you". I always thought that was odd: I Am? What the heck? I believe that God did not specify because He is EVERYTHING we could possibly need or want. I remember several years ago I was going through the darkest period of my life. I would literally curl up in a ball on my bedroom floor and beg God to take my life, because I could not handle the emotional pain any longer. It was in that moment, those very long three or four months, that God showed me that He truly is everything I could need. He comforted me and "held" me as I cried. I have never gone through anything that painful, and I hope (probably foolishly) that I never do again. However, I do know that if I do, God is there. He is there to comfort me, to give me hope, to give me strength, and anything and everything else I could possibly need. So, while I dread the thought of losing my parents, Jake, Emma, and any of my other loved one's, I know that should this happen, "I Am" will be right there comforting me.

Wicked

Wicked: Morally very bad: Evil

Today in church we sang a worship song that had a line it that went something along the lines as, "You see me as wicked..." Something like that. This has stuck with me all day, and makes me pray that people do not live under the condemnation that even though they are saved, that they have accepted Jesus as their Savior, that God still see's them as wicked.
Romans 8:1: There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
The fact of the matter is that before we know Christ, we are wicked. We are full of sin and we live in sin. We can say, "Oh, but I never killed anyone", or "I never did anything bad"...but truly, if you think about it, is this true?
Okay, so I digress. God loves us, He loves us SO MUCH that He sent His Son to die a horrible death, and then He raised Him, so that He could stand in the gap for us. So that through Jesus Christ we could be cleansed, forgiven, and enter into the presence of God.
God does not see us as wicked. He loves us, He wants to have a relationship so much that He pursues us. Read Psalm 139, he knows exactly what is going on in our lives down to the words we are going to say. He wants a relationship with us, He wants US to know HIM the way He knows us.
Having a daughter has changed the way I think about things, and my faith is one of those things. My daughter does things that she knows is wrong. She'll look up to see if I am watching, and then proceed to blatantly disobey me, but she thinks she is being sneaky about it. I have to laugh, even while, once again, I am telling her, "No!".
This is how I believe that God see's us. We are going to sin, we just are. We are not perfect, nor will we be perfect until we get to heaven. He loves me, and enjoys watching me grow and learn. I even wonder if he kind of laughs when I think I can get away with something, or if it grieves him more..maybe both?
So, the point of this post is this:
Do not look at God as if he is the "Big eye in the sky, just waiting to squash you like a bug the minute you do something wrong". He is not. He loves you, He wants relationship with you, and when we willfully live in sin this separates us from him. I always looked at is as roadblocks. We have to repent, and ask God to change our hearts, and then move on without living under condemnation. Condemnation is not from the Lord...conviction is. And conviction encourages us to repent, and grow. Condemnation wants us to wallow in our guilt, stuck there forever.

Playdates and Prayer Time

Emma is not used to the chaos of other kids. In nursery, one of the workers always takes her to side room and reads to her, because she cries. So, I have been trying to be proactive about introducing her to other kids. So far, we have had two play dates that have gone well, and I am hoping to start taking her to story time at the library. Hopefully this will help her not be so intimidated since I'll be right there with her.

This is a great benefit to play dates, but my  most favorite thing about them, is that I get to spend time with my God fearing friend, Karen. It has been a long time since I have been able to hang out with another woman who loves the Lord, and wants to hear about what the Lord is doing in my life, wants to talk about what He is doing in hers, and then wants to pray about it. What a blessing to have a friend like that! It is such a joy to have a friend who you can encourage in the Lord, and vice versa. I thank God every day that He has brought her into my life. Plus, she is a great parent, and she's been through what I am going through now, and can offer great insight!

Confession is good for the....

Ahh confession, it is hard, especially when you have to confess your insecurities to your husband, and admit that, "Yes, I do sometimes get angry with you." Okay, I know that is ridiculous, but my husband and I rarely get angry with each other. Frustrated, yes, but out right anger does not happen often. So, I read a great blog called at www.chattykelly.com and  yesterday she was talking about finding her worth in God, rather than the things she does. This is where I fail on an almost daily basis. When my husband helps me out around the house, all I hear (in my head), is how I have failed horribly as a wife and mother. I am so bad at it, that my husband has to help me out around the house. Again, ridiculous right? But, there it is, and I wonder if this is a common thought in stay at home mom's and wives. So, to protect myself, I forbid him from helping me, and get downright upset with him when he does.
  The problem with this is that my husband loves me, and him helping me is just one way he shows me his love. He wants to be a blessing to me, and minister to me by helping me out, and I refuse that. God really convicted me about this yesterday, and I needed to deal with it.
This ties in what I talked about getting angry at my husband (Jake) because he is not a mind reader. If I do not ask him for help, then he has no clue that I need it! So again, I am angry at him for something that is out of his control. Of course I do not want to ask for help because him helping me feeds into my insecurities about whether I am a good wife and mother. Oh, pride...
So, Jake came home yesterday and I sat down and  confessed all to him, and asked him to forgive me. Of course he did, and he reassured me that he has never felt or thought that I was a miserable excuse for a wife and mommy. I believe him when he says that, but still...that little evil voice in my head continues to tell me that he must be blind, and sooner or later he'll see the truth.
This is why it is important to allow God to show you who you are in Him, to find your identity in Him. He loves us each so much, Psalm 139 shows just how much He pays attention to us, and loves us.

Once Again...

I like to write, and I like to share my thoughts, so why is it so hard for me to just start a blog and stick to it? I think it is because I feel like I have to do it, and I do not appreciate the added stress. In reality, I LOVE to write..so here goes...again.