When Your Kids Are Sick...And It's Time To Rejoice

I'm about to write something that few people know about: When I was pregnant and had my 26(ish) week ultrasound to find out if Emma was a boy or girl, they found that her kidneys had cysts on them.

 Imagine the heartbreak, fear, disillusionment, fear

....did I mention fear?

 Because that was what it was. Outright fear for this little baby who I did not know...yet I did.

OH! And anger...oh the anger.

There have been very few times where I have felt that I was truly going to battle for something, and this was one of those times.

Momma (prayer) warrior.

Standing on God's word and His promises.

Jehova Rophi (The God Who Heals).

SIDE NOTE: When something is physically wrong DO NOT TURN TO GOOGLE FOR ANSWERS! I was convinced that Emma was going to die within days of her being born.

We had to go to prenatal specialists in Ft. Collins. I think we went to three different ones all together. They were stumped. The last one said, "Well, we see that it looks like a cyst, but we can't find anything wrong. She looks fine...honestly we are stumped!"

Oh my Jesus, how good He is!

They sent us home, and told the doctor to run labs on Emma when she was born to make sure her kidney were working, and also do an ultrasound.

At 34 weeks or so I began having trouble with my amniotic fluid. It would get dangerously low, so I ended up having to take 2 hour baths to get it back up (don't ask me how it worked, it just did). At 37 weeks I still could not keep the fluid up, so my doctor gave me the choice: induce or wait.

I asked the doctor what the risk would be in each scenario:

We wait and she could be stillborn (!?!?!)
We induce and she could be in the NICU on a ventilator (!?!?!)

Yep...fear and anger strike again! I used to work for some lung doctor's in the area and immediately called them. They could advise me on this. They assured me that the NICU here was amazing, and that there was no reason she would be on a ventilator.

So, I told the doctor we'd like to induce on Wednesday. That gave me time to get her a  carseat, and get the house clean (I KNOW, I know LOL) Before we had to go to the hospital. We went in Tuesday morning! GAHH!

Fast forward to two nights after she was born, I woke up at around 3AM, and Emma hadn't been in to nurse yet. The nurse came in right at that time to let me know that Emma was in the NICU.

Yep...you guessed it: Fear and Anger....seriously...I'm exhausted just thinking about it LOL

Her bilirubin was high, and so  she got to camp out under a blue light. The girl looked like she was on a beach somewhere. All she was missing was a beach umbrella.

The thing that these incidences have in common is the fear and anger I felt. However, the brightest thing these have in common is that after the initial fear and anger is that I trusted in God.

None of these things took Him by surprise. God is the great I Am, my Provider, my Comforter, My Healer...My EVERYTHING. By now, stepping back and trusting Him has become routine, and comfortable...
After the initial freak out.

So today, we started Emma on asthma medicine to see if that is what is causing her coughing so much she is throwing up. Since we started it she has been  back to her sweet little self. Not whiney, mopey, or lethargic. All things I attributed to her teething.

She is happy, energetic...she is her normal self.

This means she may have asthma.

Where is the anger? The fear?

None for me. God is my Rock.

My Great I AM.

My trust is in Him. Emma is in His hands, and my rest and trust is in Him.

This is something I rejoice in.

HE is WHO I rejoice in...because He is in control. He loves Emma more than I do (which is crazy, but true). Who better to trust in than He who does?

My God is Great. My God is good, My God is Always there for me!

Being a Good Steward

I profess to be all about being a good steward. I feel that I should be a good steward to the animals we eat (chicken, beef, etc), so I go out of my way to get free range, hormone free, etc. etc. etc. eggs and such.
I believe that being a good parent is being a good steward of the gift of children that God has blessed us with.
I believe in being a good steward of my money.
I believe that making the most of the education I am blessed with being able to get is being a good steward of that blessing.
In short, being a good steward to what God has given us has a LOT to do with self-discipline. It also has a lot to do with our HEARTS.

I am not talking about works, and doing stuff to earn our way into heaven. That doesn't happen. There is no amount of anything we can do to pay God back for this free gift of salvation.

I am talking about doing things because it is right. I am horrible in the self-discipline area, however I have been working on it this past week. The pastor preached on good time stewardship last week, and it was something God was already dealing with me about. So, I put some things into action this week and have found more time on my hands than I really know what to do with!

IT.IS.AWESOME!

Back to the heart issue though, because truly, being a good steward of these things has to come out of the love of our hearts. As we draw closer to God, we become more godly. Do we stop sinning? Not necessarily, we will never be perfect. BUT, God transforms our hearts, and out of that we have a greater desire to please Him, and to serve Him. Not out of duty, but out of LOVE.

Here is an example: At one point in my life I hated to clean. Such a pain to clean up after myself (I know...how lazy, right?). However, God saw fit to bring a neat freak into my life, who I have fallen madly in love with, and married 7 years ago.  When we married, we immediately moved to Italy where he was stationed. I stayed home all day, and with nothing to do I cleaned our apartment every single day.
UH-OH! I realized later that I set a precedent I was not sure I was willing to keep up (HA!)...at first I did it because I was bored. Then when we moved back to the States, I did it because I felt like I had to.
Now though...now I do it because I love my husband very much. I am home all day, and I want him to come home and be able to relax. I know that if I leave a mess he will feel obligated to clean it. I think of it as serving (in a good way, not in Leave it to Beaver, slave kind of way). I want to be a blessing to my husband, because I love him so much. Keeping my house clean is one way for me to do that.
As my love for my husband grew, my desire to please him and bless him grew too.
As we draw near to God, as we begin to see and experience His love, mercy, grace, etc. our desire to please Him grows, our hearts are transformed and softened, and we do things that are right because we love Him, and desire to please Him.
I have a long way to go. I am not perfect. Yesterday I threw the whole "good steward of my time" thing OUT the window, because it was a rough day. But, I am back on the wagon today and I am trusting God to give me the grace to stop being lazy and "Just do it"!

Love and Rejection

I am angry. I shouldn't be, but so I am. I know that people come and go in our lives. I try very hard to be a good friend, and seek out those I call my friends. What makes me angry is when there is no reciprocation. No phone calls back, or even a facebook message that takes hardly any time to write. I think it is because I invest so much in those people I call friends, and when they do not make any effort, or just completely stop one day it hurts and confuses me. I understand that sometimes friendships run their course, but at least let me know what happened! Gahh!
So, as I was wallowing in my hurt and anger today, I decided that I was just not going to care anymore. I was no longer going to invest so much into my relationships with others. Unfortunately, this does not work for me and I know it.
I have also tried it. For years I kept people at arms length, not allowing myself to care, because let's be honest folks! It hurts! No one wants to make themselves vulnerable to the pain of rejection. Then, one semester at F.I.R.E. (a Bible school I went to), I began exegeting (sp?) a paper on 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. Yep! The "love" passage. It was during that time that God dramatically changed my life. He has called me to love. To love selflessly, and vulnerably.
Fun, huh?
Not so much. I whined and told God I did not want to. I did not want to hurt. Funny, but at this same time I was going through one of the most emotionally painful times of my life. I mean, I hurt so much emotionally/mentally that I could physically feel it. I would curl up in a ball in my bedroom and beg God to let me die. I had no desire whatsoever to live if life was going to be so painful.

But guess what? He revealed Himself to me in a way I had never known Him. He comforted me, and loved me. He carried me through this time of my life, and proved Himself to me. He would never leave me. No matter what comes, He will always be there, He will always be my strength, my comfort.

He is "I Am"...because He is EVERYTHING I will ever need.

Knowing this changes things. I still hurt and get angry when a relationship I have so lovingly tended to seemingly ends. I don't get it....maybe I was too honest in what I said? I still replay our last conversation over and over in my head, and can only come to the conclusion that this person did not like my honesty. Maybe I was wrong in the conversation. I don't think so...but maybe.

However, God is there to comfort me. I do not have to understand, though I want to. I just have to let God heal that hurt and move on.
My struggle though, is that things like this make me want to fall into my old ways. I have reached out to people in the past year, and only just recently am I making friends who seem to WANT to be friends, rather than trying and trying to connect with people.
I put myself out there because God has called me to do so. He has called me to love others unconditionally, to show them His love. But I do get weary of the rejection, I get weary of leaving message upon message to people only to get a response several weeks or months later.
The question is: Do I give up? Or do I keep trying to keep in touch? These are relationships I valued, and still want to cultivate. But when is it because that person is just bad at keeping in touch, and when is it time to move on?
I look to the Old Testament, and the Israelites relationship with God. They would cry out to Him, and when things got good they forgot about Him. When things got bad again they cried out to Him. God loved them through it all. He got angry, but He still loved them. He still sought them, and spoke to them. I believe He does that to this day, only with all of us, not just the Jewish people.

He has not moved on....

Thankfulness and Social Media

Yep, it's that time of year again! Halloween is over, it's getting colder outside. Thanksgiving dinners are being planned, and Christmas is starting to get planned too. I love it! I absolutely LOVE this time of year! This year is even more special with an event I started on Facebook called, "Thankful in November". Here is the link:
https://www.facebook.com/events/452258581492888/455960794456000/?notif_t=plan_mall_activity

Over 1300 people have been invited and almost 200 people are participating. They are posting what they are thankful for on their walls, and on the wall of this event.

 IT.IS.AWESOME!

Truly, it's amazing to see so many posts that emphasize positive things. I have been very weary of all the negative political posts this year, more so than any other year. The election is not even over, but all I see is "thankful" posts now.

Social Media can be so wearying, especially if you are a stay at home mom who is on WAY too much! It seems that people have no qualms about reprimanding others, offending others, etc. They say things and post things they would never do in "real" life.
SO! Join us at Facebook if you have an account, and be thankful this month! God has blessed us so much, and sometimes it is good to look past the hard things and find the blessings and thank Him for it! Hope to see you there!

Beauty in the Storm

My husband was watching a movie called, "The Edge" ( I think), the other day and it was about these three men whose plane crashed in the mountains somewhere. Alaska, I think. I was struck by the fact that these men were surrounded by an intense beauty, and they did not even notice it. Granted, they were fighting to stay alive so they were a little distracted, however the magnificence of their surroundings was just so obvious that it struck me how easy it is to miss the beauty in the midst of hardship.
I remember sitting on my porch in southern Missouri, watching a storm blew in. I am talking a good thunderstorm with a chance of tornadoes. First it starts with the wind, gusty and surprising, especially when you look up and realize the sun is no longer shining. Then off in the distance you can see the lightning strike, and the thunder begins to rumble. Next, the world turns green. Like, it is literally like looking through green tinted glasses. These are my favorite storms, and the times when I felt the most at peace. Here in Colorado, we do not get this type of storm very often, where in Missouri they came once a week or so. I miss it. Did I mention that those were the times I felt most at peace? Because they are awesome.

Life is a lot like that. Recently, I feel as if my almost 2 year old daughter and I are battling it out. OVER NAPTIME! I mean, come ON! There are so many more important things to be fighting about, but this is the major battle right now. I do not want to battle my daughter, I think there are better, less stressful ways to deal with this kind of thing, but for the life of me I have no clue what it is. For a couple days it got really bad. We were both in bad moods, she was whiny, I was grumpy...not a good combination. It was during this that I failed to enjoy the good things. Enjoy my daughter's laughter, her snuggles and vampire kisses (she bites when she kisses...still trying to fix that one). Sometimes, stopping to enjoy the beauty of a moment in time helps us de-stress enough to get a handle on it.

One way of doing this that is incredibly helpful is quieting your mind in prayer. I am talking about clearing out your head, not praying in any way...just hanging out with God. No agenda or anything. Just sitting with Him in silence. I know, this sounds like mediation right? It is, but w/out the "Ohmmms" and whatnot. Meditating on Him, on His goodness, etc. Mostly, I just sit and enjoy His presence in silence, because there is so much peace in knowing that you can just hang out with Him that way, and then doing it. The world can be chaotic, but you can go to that secret place with Him, and you and He can just enjoy each others presence. It takes some training to do this, mostly because we let our minds wander wherever they want so much. However, once you get the hang of it and have disciplined your mind to not wander, it will be one of the most amazing parts of your walk with the Lord.

Why Do We Spew Such Hate?

In my previous post I wrote about how we, as Christians, need to have compassion rather than standing in judgement of the LGBT community. My heart has been broken for the way the Church in general has wounded those who do not know the Lord. 
 However, the "Great Gay Debate" of last week concerning the owner of Chik-Fil-A's  statements about not agreeing with gay marriage brought about a debate so nasty and full of hate that God began to convict me about my attitude towards those Christians I so wholeheartedly disagree with. I read Christians judging and spewing hate towards each other that was so shocking and heart-wrenching that God was able to open my eyes and make me realize how horrible my own attitude towards those Christians is. I asked in my last post if those Christians were heartbroken over these people they judge so harshly, if they genuinely loved those people, or if they were just "standing up for what is right" in their eyes? However, I did not ask MYSELF those questions

I have read many posts from like-minded Christians who are speaking up about a change in attitude, much like I did in the last post. However, as I read comments, and the replies to those comments I became aware that the attitudes and the spirits behind both sides of nastiness are one and the same. I realized that we were standing in judgement, unforgiving, self-righteous judgement, of those who are standing in the same type of judgement towards the LGBT community.  Perhaps, I should re-iterate that I was standing in that type of judgement.

God has convicted me of this attitude. While I stand by the fact that attitudes need to be transformed into love, which can only happen through the Lord, it is not just the attitudes of those I blogged about in the previous post, but it is the attitude I have expressed. It is not enough to be heartbroken. Heartbreak can lead to many emotions: resentment, hate, etc. However, heartbreak where the one who is heartbroken seeks the Lord for healing, will lead to love for those involved.

Positive, godly change cannot happen without love for each other, and those around us on all sides. When someone disagrees, it is not love that answers in belittling, condescending ways.

So again I ask, where  does your heart lay? What is at the root of your attitude to those who believe differently (within the Church, and without)? And I challenge you, as I am doing: to seek the Lord, and let Him transform your heart.

HAVE YOU TAKEN THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW THOSE WHOM YOU PERSECUTE?

If people who  claim to be Christians put as much effort into loving those around them as they do in hating them, the world would be transformed. No longer would I see hateful pictures/memes/posts about Christians from non-Christians, or the same from Christians about a myriad of other groups. I can imagine Satan rejoicing at how well he has deceived those who are spreading this Christian agenda of hate. Through the idea of taking a moral stand, which sounds righteous and right, a hatred and dissension has been created that does not, in any way glorify God.

I see no love, I see no broken hearts for people who do not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I see an agenda, on both sides. The LGBT community fights because they are given no rights, there agenda is equality. The Christian agenda is to squash immorality. In itself, I do not see anything "wrong", however legalism and hate is what is leading this agenda. This is what makes it bad. There is no love, no compassion.

While I agree with talking to girls who desire abortions, where are the people waiting for them when the procedure is done to show them love and compassion. Because you know what? Those girls are hurting.
What about those in the LGBT community? Many of those people are hurting, too.

 Guess what? People, all people regardless of their sexuality or choices in life, are BROKEN. Including many of those Christians pushing this agenda full of hate.

If you are one of those people who push and push this agenda, have you taken time to get to know people in the LGBT community? Have you heard their stories? Their hearts? Do you know what motivates the decisions they make? Do you know what part of their lives are broken?

I know people who are a part of this community. The one's I have met are very nice, they truly love each other and their children. I have made friends with some, and just remained acquaintances with others. I have also apologized to others for my attitude in the past. 

HAVE YOU TAKEN THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW THOSE WHOM YOU PERSECUTE?

My heart is breaking. I opened up my Facebook this morning to a post about how people are boycotting Chick-Fil-A because the owner is donating to anti-gay groups. I see Christians arguing and being hateful to those boycotting, and since those boycotting are already on the defensive (BECAUSE CHRISTIANS HAVE PUT THEM THERE), arguments ensue and Satan is glorified.

 Hate is glorified.

God?

He's not.

I do not agree with the homosexual lifestyle. However, as I have stated before: I firmly believe that is between that person and God. My part in it is this: to LOVE.

In Luke 7:36-50 there is a passage about how Jesus was dining with a Pharisee (the only people, to my recollection, that he got angry with), and a sinful woman came in to anoint Jesus. Of  course there was protest! I mean, come ON! Jesus was supposed to be a Holy Man! How could He let such a woman come near Him, no less touch Him!?!?! This was not done! This was unacceptable! How DARE HE!?!?!

What did Jesus do?

He LOVED her!

Not only did He love her, but He FORGAVE her. He loved her right where she was, all dirty and sinful. He loved her. He wanted to know her, and wanted to spend eternity with her...a sinful woman.

All you people who can honestly take a look at your moral stand, I challenge you to search your heart. Are you full of compassion for these people you persecute? Do you love them, as Christ loves us? Do you protest because of rules? Or again, is your heart truly broken for them?

Because until your heart is broken for the lost, not just those in the LGBT community, not just the little girl down the street who comes from a bad home, but broken for those who do NOT know the Lord you need to keep your mouth shut.

Yeah, I said it.

You are doing no good, only further wounding those that have not had the privilege of knowing the Lord.

Before you post those pictures/posts/etc. Pray about it, think about it. Search your heart and determine why you are posting those things.

Have you prayed for those you fight?

My heart is utterly broken, and I am reminded of the Crusades. People were murdered and mutilated in the name of the Lord so many years ago. Where that was physical, it is now happening spiritually and mentally.

Until we are broken by the passion that God has for those who do not know Him, we cannot bring about change in the world, not positive change anyway.

I read something about the moral decline our country/world is in, and I honestly believe that because of the lack of love and compassion by Christians to all these groups we oppose, we are just as at fault for that decline as everyone else.

Think about it.

Please feel free to  comment, but don't be hateful. I will delete hateful comments.

However, please remember that I know there are people out there who love the Lord, who are just as disgusted by the bigotry as I am, and are doing something about it. Thank God for a remnant of people who want to please the Lord, and out of that are ministering out of LOVE to those who the Church has shunned.