No Room for Selfishness in Marriage

This seems to be a re-occurring theme lately. I find myself thinking about it, and in conversation about it. I even saw a post regarding it on Facebook the other day. It all started with a conversation I was having with a friend, and I thought to myself, "Wow, you (my friend) are really selfish".  I did not say it, but I definitely thought it. Then I began thinking about myself, and ways in which I display selfishness, and about the damage selfishness can cause. Specifically in a marriage and as parents.

Selfishness...that ugly thing that sneaks up and causes more problems that you thought it would. The Merriam Webster defines it:

1: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others

2: arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others selfish

act>

3: being an actively replicating repetitive sequence of nucleic acid that serves no known function <selfish DNA>; also : being genetic material solely concerned with its own replication <selfish genes>

 

In any problem that comes up in parenthood or marriage, selfishness is most likely the culprit. Selfishness of your spouse, yourself, your child, etc. 

 

I was painting a room the other day and began to think about marriage. See, I am in my graduate program for mental health counseling, but I plan on focusing on marriages and family counseling. I was contemplating the idea of premarital counseling. My husband and I did not attend premarital counseling, not that we had time anyway. However, I acknowledge that I am likely going to be put in a place where I will need to do this type of counseling. My question to myself is, "What is the single most important thing to tell a couple getting ready to be married, or already married but are having problems?"

 

Here is the thing: 

 

 When you become married (or become a parent) there is no room for "I" anymore. 

 

Do NOT misunderstand me. I definitely believe in having "mommy time", and making time for ourselves. I would go insane if my husband did not make sure that I had some "me" time, and I try to encourage him to have time to himself as well.  

 

When you become married you are no longer solely responsible to yourself. Your actions no longer primarily JUST affect you.

 

You are responsible for and to your spouse.

 

Every decision you make, right down to choosing (yes, CHOOSING) to be offended by something said or done, effects the well being of your family and relationships. 

 

I rest in knowing that my husband acts with the welfare of myself and our daughter in mind. I know that no matter what happens, I can trust him to act in the best interest of our whole family, not just himself.

 

Yes. We have selfish moments. We are human.

 

However, in order to be able to work things out, to keep our relationships strong, we have to be able to put down our pride (die to ourselves), admit our failures and be willing to work through the hurt, and frustrations. 

 

It is okay to be hurt. What is NOT okay is to let that hurt fester, or stand in the way of reconciliation with your spouse. 

 

Choosing NOT do to something for your spouse  because you don't get anything out of it is wrong. 

 

Choosing NOT to forgive because you are still hurt is wrong. 

 

Forgiveness, like love, is a CHOICE and NOT a feeling. 

 

I can be hurt, but still choose to forgive. This happened the other day. My husband apologized for something, but I was still fuming about it. I forgave him, but asked him to give me a little space to work through the emotions. I CHOSE to forgive, but I still had to work through the emotions. It is much easier to do so when you know the end result is forgiveness. Fuming and seething about something ends much quicker, and does not fester in your mind and heart.

 

I am not perfect, nor is my family. We are naturally selfish, and it happens on a normal basis. Even if it takes a few hours, I still have to choose to forgive. Choose to love. Because that is VITAL to keeping my marriage strong. 

 

Our ultimate example, is of course, Jesus Christ. He was spit on, beaten, bruised. His closest friends rejected Him in His darkest hour. In the Garden of Gethsemane He prayed : “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Luke 22:39-46) 

He CHOSE to continue on this path, KNOWING what would happen, because He LOVES us.  

Ephesians 5 speaks of this:

Ephesians 5

New International Version (NIV)

5 ¹ Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children ² and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God...
²¹ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing^[b] her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”^{[c] 32} This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

I think this is self-explanatory in light of this post. 

When you CHOOSE to LOVE and FORGIVE, you choose LIFE for your marriage. 

Husbands and wives, love each other...love in the "agape" sense of the word. Love selflessly. CHOOSE to love.
 
  

 

Running to Papa

Oh how glad I am to have January and February behind us!
I know, I know! It's the middle of March, but it has taken me this long to recover, and reflect.

Recover? From What? Oh, well probably THE single most HUMBLING season of my life. That is what being a parent does:

It humbles us.

January and February were some of the hardest months I have had in awhile. They were full of sickness, I swear Emma had a new something or other every week. We also decided to poke a hole in her pacifier to wean her off it. So those two months were marked by very little sleep.

I learned something new about myself, or maybe I re-learned it. I am a terrible person with little sleep. I have very little patience, and very little gets done. Anyone with a toddler knows that patience is key to a happy home.

OH! Emma also decided to start throwing tantrums every time I told her "no", took something away from her, or made her leave a place she was having fun.

I thought we had taken care of this problem months ago...I was wrong.

Okay, Okay! I know, she will continuously test boundaries and rules, that is the nature of a child. I'd say it is the nature of all humans.

Anyway, the worst of me came out those two months. Things I never knew could exist in my brain and life came to the surface in terrifying ways. Well, terrifying to me anyway, any parent I am sure can relate.

Many days I wanted to scream and lock Emma in her room ( I didn't). Many of those I wanted to drink my frustration away ( again, I did not). Many of those days I felt I was barely treading water. . My patience wore thin, and I didn't know what to do with myself.

Why am I sharing this? Because everyone, every parent goes through these times. What did I learn? That in those times I must run to Papa. In those moments, those very difficult and hard times, I saw beauty emerge in a way it never would have without coming to a very low point in my life.

In those moments of frustration and anger, I learned to rely on Papa. I learned to go to Him. I learned how to practically teach my daughter to do the same.

Every time my frustration grew, every time my anger rose to the surface, I picked up Emma, placed her on my lap, and we ran to Papa. Any time her frustration at not being understood, or not being able to do the things she wanted to, we ran to Papa.

Emma needs to see that I am not perfect, that I need God. She needs to see me go to Him when I am in need, because that is where she will learn to go to Him herself.

Don't misunderstand, that is not the only time we run to Papa. I thank Him, in front of her, every day for His mercy, grace, the blessings He has given us.  We pray together every day.

I go to Him in the happy, easy times too.

For now, this season is over. Emma is my happy, sweet, obedient little girl again. I am under no illusion that this is the end of it. She is full of curiosity, and is exploring her world. She will again test boundaries, and try to get her own way. I will not say I am ready, but knowing it is going to happen is half the battle, yes?

However, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that no matter what happens I can run to Papa.

And I can teach my daughter to do the same.